20 Reasons Why You Suck: Dracula 3000 edition

If you haven’t yet sat through Dracula 3000 then I hope this article provides a very much needed service for you. It will either saturate your hunger for a C-grade sci-fi/horror/action movie, spoil a film you’ve been planning on seeing, or save you from a 86 minute shit-show that was only impressive in its ability to annoy and anger me with its stupidity. Below I have accumulated 20 reasons why this movie was bad but, trust me, there could have been many more. This is 20 REASONS WHY YOU SUCK: Dracula 3000 edition.

1. I had originally watched the movie after seeing the cast: Casper Van Dien (dig it), Erika Eleniak (used to be hot), Tiny Lister (awesome sometimes), and Coolio (terrible). That might not be the best reason to pick a movie but at 2 am there aren’t many good reasons to be watching Netflix. My problem came when I found out that Coolio’s name was ‘187’ and all he talks about is smoking.
2. I hate movies that are supposed to be set deep into the future but people still smoke cigarettes and carry around the same weapons we have now. At least Star Trek had phasers!
3. There is no Chrisianity in the year 3000 but there is still surfing and people use the term “hang ten”….huh?
4. The super creepy looking Udo Kier is the captain from the ship that they find. I could barely understand what he was saying for the scenes that he was in.
5. The guy playing Dracula looks like he bought his costume from a second hand Halloween store.
6. Erika Eleniak, who was smokin’ hot in Under Siege, has seen better days. Her “performance” in Chasers helped me get through puberty…. A lot, all right!
7. They tell one girl to watch the door so she steps into the hallway, looks both ways, condescendingly says “see, nothing”, then she’s attacked by a vampire. How terrible of a scene is that?
8. Why is Tiny Lister wearing bicep tassles like the Ultimate Warrior? Is that some sort of 31^st century style and was The Warrior just from the future like we all thought??
9. Two separate times in a three minute span the good guys shot at each other on accident because they heard a sound. Apparently shooting before something happens is how they were all trained.
10. The vampires had their own planet called Transylvania….good God.
11. I always thought that vampires were a parasite; needing a host to survive. I mean, they need blood or they’ll die so how do they have their own planet of vampires? I guess there could be other organisms there but why would they leave to find food if they already had it?
12. I hate the old “let’s split up” horror trope. If there is one creature attacking you, then the remaining 5 people should probably stick together.
13. Captain Abraham Van Helsing (yeah..) actually says “make it so” to a guy plotting coordinates.
14. For reasons which really don’t make any sense, Erika Eleniak’s character is now a robot.
15. They figure out by killing a vampire that wooden stakes can kill the other ones and they’re looking for more wood. They find one pool cue and smartly break it in two but they just leave the other stick in the dead vampire. Makes no sense.
16. In their search for wood they never think to use the 50 or so wooden coffins that are just sitting in a cargo bay.
17. If they have to go run and get help from each other every time they’re attacked, what is the point of wearing radios? They were using them earlier but now they are inoperable?
18. I don’t know why they continue to carry around their guns when they don’t have any effect on the vampires. They know that the crosses and wooden stakes work but they just leave them sitting in the room.
19. In the final minutes of the movie Erika Eleniak’s character, who is now a robot I must remind you, relates to Tiny Lister that she was once a “Pleasure Bot” and they just go bang off-screen.
20. The ship just blows up all of a sudden. Did they fly into the sun? Was there a self destruct sequence that took 50 years to go off? Did they run out of film reel and had to end the movie? Was the director just trying to spare us more shitty scenes?

I think Coolio was on to something. The only way this movie can be enjoyed is by “medicating” oneself to the point of a near hallucinatory state. He clearly is much smarter than I was giving him credit for. Dracula 3000 was a pile of garbage. I am a fan of Casper Van Dien so it pains me to say this but this is one script that he should have delivered to the paper shredder. Well, there’s always Starship Troopers, I guess. Watch that instead.