What Not To Watch: Ironheart

Move over Hammer Down and Ninja Vengeance, there’s a new worst movie ever in town and its name is Ironheart.

Ironheart is so bad, it almost made me want to give up on movies altogether.  And most of the blame can be directed towards the “star” of the movie Britton K. Lee.

• Action Zero: To call Britton K. Lee an action hero would be an insult to any other man or woman who ever made an attempt at being a movie action hero. Lee plays John Keem, a Los Angeles cop who learns that his former partner who moved to Portland to give his family a better life, was killed in the line of duty while investigating a missing persons case. So now John Keem is out for revenge… unfortunately it is the audience who has to pay dearly as we watch Britton K. Lee’s terrible performance. There were inanimate objects in this movie that displayed more charisma and acting talent than Lee.
• The Blame Game: There’s more blame to go around on this one… I’d like to blame Bolo Yeung for being the reason I started watching this movie to begin with. I saw him on the cover but quickly found out I was a long way from Bloodsport and Enter the Dragon… a LONG way. And speaking of Enter the Dragon, this “film” was directed by Robert Clouse, the man who directed Enter the Dragon. This was actually the last film he directed. So while this movie almost made me want to give up watching movies, it was the movie that apparently made Clouse give up directing movies. Last but not least there’s Richard Norton. Like Bolo, I have to believe Norton was brought in to help legitimize the movie with martial arts fans, having starred in such films as Gymkata and China O’Brien prior to this film. Norton probably delivers the best performance in this film as the main villain, but that’s hardly a compliment.

• GLOW?: Our leading lady is played by Karman Kruschke and with a name like that she sounds like she should have been one of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling and had a Russian gimmick. But Karman plays Kristi in Ironheart, a dance instructor and a single mom. She says the most important thing in her life is her daughter, so it makes perfect sense when she basically leaves her daughter with a complete stranger to help Keem, another complete stranger. And it makes even less sense when she sleeps with Keem.

If this movie was designed to make Britton K. Lee a star it is one of the most epic failures in movie history. I almost feel like every other action star in the world all contributed $50 to get this movie made simply so they could never be called the worst action star of all-time.

The only thing that might distract you from Lee’s horrible performance are the lapses in any sort of logic. If you put a group of people in a room and forced them to watch Ironheart on a loop by the end of the second viewing their IQ’s would have dropped several points.

I barely even remember the action as I was trying to erase this thing from my memory as it went along, I know Keem fought some pot head rapists, I know Keem blew up Kristi’s car and I have a note how a bomb was detonated by pressing about 57 #’s on a Zack Morris style cell phone.

But my lack of details shouldn’t upset you, because you should do yourself a favor and never watch Ironheart.