Straight Shootin’ with Chad Cruise: Teenage Mutant Ninja remake
This is a first for us here at Bulletproof Action as I will be disagreeing with my friend and colleague Chris the Brain on a movie! I know…the world is not coming to an end and this isn’t something that I would normally do so soon but having just watched the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles I would like to say that in the eyes of this 31 year old man, Michael Bay can eat a dick. I can’t stand this guy or the shit movies that he makes. It doesn’t matter that Bay neither wrote nor directed this movie, it has his stank all over it. Chad in 1996 would have smacked me for saying this as Bay had just made Bad Boys and The Rock, which kicked serious ass. But now all Bay wants to do is layer on as much fake shit as possible and have bright colors and ‘splosions so people won’t question just how bad the script is. The original 1990 film was one of the first movies I can remember seeing in theaters (also Navy Seals and The Last of the Mohicans) and while I do feel a connection to series it doesn’t mean that no one can ever remake it, it just means that I don’t want to see a shitty remake starring Megan Fox and Whoopi Goldberg.
I’m not going to go into some tangent about how Hollywood is ruining my childhood or anything like that but to say that this movie is even in the same ballpark of the original is like saying the Holocaust never happened (too much?). I’m not 100% against remakes I just feel like this movie doesn’t come close tonally to the any of the previous films and to be quite honest with you, I might as well have gone on Youtube and watched somebody play Street Fighter as every action scene was CGI scenes cut so fast that I couldn’t even tell what was going on half the time. I can see how some people will find this newest remake “fun” or “entertaining” as there were parts that I enjoyed, but I don’t get how something so poorly made can earn so much money while action stars like Scott Adkins are forced to make direct to DVD films in Southeast Asia. There may be more rambling’ and ‘get off my porch-iness’ still to come from me on this movie but I just wanted to get my first impressions on page and see what you guys think of the film. Are you with me… or against me?
