Bullet Points: I, Frankenstein
I, Frankenstein might hold the record for the blandest, most unoriginal, action movie that I’ve seen in a while. Every instance of coolness or badassery can be chalked up to how well the FX team did with their renderings and such. They break no new ground. Hell, they don’t even try to make anything new happen. They essentially took the story from Underworld and changed it to demons and gargoyles; a much shittier pairing than the vampire/werewolves that we got in the Underworld series. I guess they did add a totally un-Frankenstein-like Frankenstein. I’m surprised they didn’t just call him “Frank N. Stein” or some dumb shit like that. Oh no…did I just give Michael Bay an idea for his next movie??
The Gist: Frankenstein’s creature, now centuries old, finds himself caught in between two ago-old enemies; Demons and Gargoyles. Apparently they have been waging war for a long time and they both live in the same city so it’s your guess as to how that has waged for so long. Now Adam, which is what we’re calling Frankenstein’s monster now, is trying to kill the demon leader and score with a hot blonde scientist before the demon leader creates a bunch of other monsters like Adam.
The Cast: I feel like Aaron Eckhart spent way too much time getting ripped abs instead of actually reading the script which probably read like a shorthand transcript of a prison gang rape. Not pleasant. Adam has no soul and can’t die but what he really wants is someone to grow old with…how cute. Except for the fact that he can’t grow old so he will just continue to exist with someone else who has had their afterlife ruined just to make him happy. Try living with that for all of eternity. Jai Courtney, that untalented prick, dies the most unremarkable death since that one guy in that one movie that meant nothing to me. I feel sorry for Yvonne Strahovski who could have had a very lucrative and successful career in porn but instead decided to act opposite a bunch of tennis balls on sticks for this CGI-laden movie. Her character is the ultimate damsel in distress as she offers no type of resistance and her part could have been equally as useful if it had been played by a small dog. She is a beauty, no doubt. Her only defining characteristics in this movie is she doesn’t turn into anything, and her name isn’t completely stupid. Wait, her character’s name was Terra??? Ok, I take it back, that’s dumb. Take a look at some of the other character names in the movie: Keziah, Ophir, Gideon, Barachel, Molokai. It reminds me of a message board on World of Warcraft or something. If you go to the imdb page for I, Frankenstein it will recommend other movies that are similar or one “people who liked this also liked..”. Pompeii, Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, 47 Ronin, Robocop remake, The Legend of Hercules, and 300: Rise of an Empire. That may be one of the worst lists of movies that I’ve ever seen in my life. I can see why someone who likes this trash might also enjoy other trashy films. Watch something else.
From Monster to six pack abs.
The Villain: Bill Nighy plays the same character he played in Underworld only less cool and now more demon-like instead of vampire-like. Either way, he’s old. I like him as the brains of the operation or the evil hand behind the whole thing but if they expect me to believe he could beat anyone in a fist fight then they’re going to have to try a lot harder with their CGI. I wouldn’t take Nighy’s British ass against my Grandfather’s roommate in his retirement home and that dude barely eats and shits his pants on the reg. Nighy somehow looks younger and more spry in his demon form. By the way, where the hell did Nighy and his demon buddies get that building with the endless pit to nowhere? Does every city have one of those right in the middle of it? I don’t know what city this is supposed to be in but there isn’t a single normal person living there that isn’t involved in the story. There are massive battles with people exploding all over the city and big gargoyles just flying through the city streets without one lonely, grizzled hot dog vendor saying “what the hell was that?”
The suit makes this less intimidating for me.
The Action: The final battle between the demons and gargoyles is cool if you really like flames or love 80’s metal band album covers. The fact that this war between the demons and the gargoyles has been waging on for centuries and they’re still using sticks and knives makes it more plausible but even more ridiculous that someone hasn’t shown up with a pistol at some point. If the weapons just need the symbol on them to kill the demons just carve that shit into a bullet. This movie could have been over like 6 minutes.
Much of the movie is like this. There is so much bright CGI crap in the background we can’t even tell what is actually happening on screen.
Take it Home:
- Damn you Jai: Jai Courtney always looks and acts the same in every movie.
- Nice Try: The first 18 minutes of the movie they shove in as much backstory as they can get so the final 70 minutes can just be flying stone monkey’s and fire demons fighting.
- Hard work: The hard work definitely paid off for Aaron Echhart as he looks more ripped than I’ve ever seen him but I felt bad for him cause he only pops his shirt off for one scene and the rest of the time he wears a stinky old hoodie and an overcoat. Traditional Frankenstein clothes, of course.
Rating: 1.75/5
