20 Reasons Why You Suck: Punisher: War Zone Edition

I recently got into it with a few friends on which Punisher movie was the best. First off, let me tell you that I had never seen the complete Punisher: War Zone until recently. I tried to watch it once and just couldn’t make it through the whole thing. If you’re reading this right now then you have probably read something in the past and may know of my affection for Dolph Lundgren movies, so you can probably guess now that our argument ended with one guy on the War Zone side and myself firmly entrenched on The Punisher starring Dolph Lundgren side. Both of us had Tom Jane’s Punisher 2^nd on our list so we at least agreed on one thing. There is no doubt that none of The Punisher movies have been anything close to perfect. Dolph’s didn’t have the skull, Jane’s had a shitty villain, and War Zone was comically bad. Having said all of that, I took it upon myself to give Punisher: War Zone one more try to impress me. Unfortunately this is 20 Reasons Why You Suck, Punisher: War Zone Edition.

1. Frank grabs a pair of Heckler & Koch MP5K’s and a few minutes later he’s seen spinning upside down and firing these puppies till they’re empty. The MP5K series fires approximately 900/rounds a minute and carries a 30 round magazine. He is seen firing them for 19 consecutive seconds which means he must have had magazines which held nearly 300 rounds each.
2. He kills guys in such an impressive array of ways that he actually looks angry that some of them die by gunfire alone and not a knife to the throat, neck breaking, or the leg of chair into the eye socket.
3. The way that Jigsaw’s face gets messed up in the bottle recycling crusher thingy makes no sense. How did only his face get cut up?
4. Castle just walks around with loads of guns on him and casually strolls down a subway tunnel without anyone noticing him. I would think that in New York City someone would take notice of a man walking around in body armor with a giant white skull on it carrying numerous guns.
5. Since when did Frank Castle become a Special Forces instructor?
6. The cops bust Jigsaw and his gang but none of them get thrown in prison.
7. The one mobster’s son is so tough that upon seeing Jigsaw’s facial scars he vomits. What the hell kind of mobster is he?
8. Why wouldn’t there be a gang of guys who do parkour? Did they all meet on Facebook?
9. Has there ever been a decent mental hospital or hospital orderly in the history of cinema? They always steal food, drug patients, and rape everybody.
10. Loony Bin Jim is the worst character ever. This is one of his lines, “Did you know that kidneys and apple sauce are a delicacy in Sweden?”
11. Jigsaw is so tough that when he sees his face he starts crying and hugging his brother. How intimidating is a crying villain?
12. At one point Castle magically fires a rocket out of a M203 grenade launcher. Later he fires it about 8 feet into a room. The minimum firing distance is 46-125 feet. If you were to have a round explode that close to you it would injure you as well.
13. Not only do the cops not arrest Jigsaw they give them money, let them go, and give them information on Castle’s buddy.
14. Frank is such a tough guy that he only eats one flavor of MRE all the time.
15. The little girl connection with Frank is so forced that it is more laughable than touching.
16. Doug Hutchison is absolutely horrible. He is supposed to be a tough guy but he is laughably small and I’ve seen better acting in a High School play, which is also where Hutchison goes to pick up chicks. Boom!
17. One of my favorite lines from the Tom Jane Punisher was when he said “God’s gonna sit this one out.” Here he says, “Sometimes I’d like to get my hands on God.” Jane’s line is infinitely cooler.
18. Watching Jigsaw recruit the other gangs in front of the waving American flag made me want to puke.
19. Earlier that FED got the shit beat out of him and his head thrown through a car window but now he gets knocked unconscious with one hit?
20. I remember them making a big deal out of director Lexi Alexander being a martial artist but these fight scenes are absolutely terrible.