20 Reasons Why You Suck: Oldboy Remake Edition

Seeing Oldboy, A Spike Lee Film, has made me appreciate every other remake that much more. Next to the Red Dawn remake; next to Colin Farrell in Total Recall; and next to the crap-tastic RoboCop remake, Oldboy 2013 was like watching a live feed of a doctor botching your own vasectomy. There aren’t many words to describe my hatred for this film so I’ll stop and you can read a short list of why this movie not only doesn’t work, but also WHY IT SUCKS!

1. I wonder how long they had to follow Josh Brolin around to catch him drunkenly pissing and passing out in an alley.
2. Nowadays I’m sure some people would love to be stuck in the same room for years.
3. Who jerks off into a pillow?
4. It takes Brolin’s character way too long to figure out that there is a camera in the room.
5. When they release him they give him cash, sunglasses, and an iphone. That must be the college freshman package.
6. That iphone’s battery will probably last about 4 hours.
7. He encounters the most aggressive and prick-filled lacrosse team in the world.
8. It’s been 20 years but his friend Chucky still has the same rundown bar in the same place.
9. The motivation for Elizabeth Olsen’s character to help him must have been left on the cutting floor because this movie offers no motive whatsoever.
10. Whose idea was it to film Josh Brolin eating so many dumplings? That was a terrible idea.
11. Samuel L. Jackson says the line, “you booger eatin’, piss drinking, mother f*cker.” Only Sam Jackson could deliver that line.
12. Oh, yeah…he also says “I swear before God and 8 mother f*cking white people!”
13. The hammer fight in the original film is what most people remember but the one here is more a parody of that featuring backup dancers from the Michael Jackson video of “I’m Bad”.
14. This movie turns into an advertisement for Google.
15. Again, the relationship between Brolin and Olsen is the most forced thing in the entire movie.
16. The original movie had a gross incest angle to it and Spike Lee somehow made that look tame by comparison.
17. The ending makes me sad for people who have seen this film but not seen the original.
18. Spike Lee and Josh Brolin blame the heavy editing of the film by the studio on why it sucks but I can’t imagine a scenario where this movie could have been “good”. Then again, it couldn’t have made it much worse.
19. Originally Steven Spielberg was attached to direct with Will Smith set to star. As much as I hated this movie, that could have been equally as bad.
20. It’s no surprise that Christian Bale, Colin Firth, and Clive Owen all declined the role of Adrian in the film. You couldn’t pay ME enough to be in a shitty movie like this.