20 Reasons Why You Suck: Preservation

Some films show symptoms of greatness and others have the inkling that they could be good but others are completely void of any redeeming qualities whatsoever. This film falls much closer to that third category than either of the others. It had several things going for it; the name Preservation is nice because not only are they trying to survive but they’re also lost in a nature preserve. The simple premise is something that I like because it meshes well with the short runtime and it doesn’t try to shove too much into the “survival against motive-less bad guys” gimmick that it uses. The bad far outweighs the good, however, and I found myself getting angrier and angrier while watching these characters plod about and actually make their situation worse as they went on. It is for that reason that this film gets the 20 Reasons Why You Suck treatment and not the Bullet Points post that it was meant to get. I hope the filmmakers learn a valuable lesson. Prepare for spoilers…

1. The older brother is anti-technology but he doesn’t mind trespassing on State property, littering in a park, or most likely illegally hunting in a Nature Preserve.
2. Early in the film it is clear that both brothers are massive douchebags. They keep talking about “real hunters” but they both sets traps to catch deer and then hide out in a tree stand and fire wildly at a doe.
3. When they allow their lady friend the opportunity to bag the deer she scares it off and then gives chase on foot. Did she really think that she could catch a deer on foot? Well, apparently she is super fast because she eventually does catch up to it.
4. This became one of the movies where I just couldn’t wait for the killers to show up. I couldn’t stand the three main characters and was actively rooting for their demise. Especially the older brother. How was I supposed to feel when he started hitting on his younger bros wife?
5. I find it pretty hard to believe that someone could sneak into a campsite, steal all of their stuff, cut their tent all to shit around them, and then draw “X’s” on their foreheads without waking up any of them.
6. After their water gets stolen along with the rest of their supplies, they are seemingly roaming around the woods dying of thirst. That is weird because minutes earlier they were swimming in a fresh water lake.
7. “You killed my dog, now I kill you.” Only he didn’t.
8. When the killing finally commences a man is “butt-stroked” in the head by a rifle at least five times yet isn’t knocked unconscious. I highly doubt that.
9. The husband character who doesn’t deserve a name, finally makes a 180 in his life and understands what is important to him. That is as clear a sign that he is about to die as any I’ve ever seen.
10. The killers had apparently hid a key-sized GPS device on the girl’s necklace without her realizing it was there. How stupid can you be??
11. I’m all for a strong female character but this girl has been worthless the entire film. Come to think of it, every single character has been worthless.
12. The killers chase the woman through sand but somehow lose her. Couldn’t they just follow the footprints in the sand to find her? Is that too much to ask from teenagers?
13. Oh yeah, the killers are apparently three teenagers riding around on mountain bikes with masks on!
14. If you’re interested in watching a movie about hikers getting attacked by ruthless killers then skip this one and watch A Lonely Place to Die
15. The kids stop chasing her and start talking about going home for dinner.
16. None of the teenagers even talk to each other. They sit side by side and text back and forth cause I guess that’s what kids do these days. Even when you’re discussing a crime you just committed, I guess they think it’s better to have evidence of these things on their phones rather than just talking about it.
17. Just to remind you, our tough soldier man got killed by a 14 year old asthmatic boy in paintball pads.
18. What kind of person would hide in a children’s slide? Everyone knows that when the sun hits it you can clearly see the silhouette through it.
19. The one decent scene in the entire film is when she gives herself stitches in her head. Unfortunately she had already been screaming in the cab of the truck which isn’t the best thing to do when you’re sneaking around, hiding from killers.
20. The filmmakers probably thought that they were being clever by having the gas station attendant be one of the killers but he was on screen for 5 seconds and it meant nothing. They also brought it back full circle to when the husband smashed the glass bottle against the playground equipment for no reason and the girls said something like “what if some kid gets cut on that?” I’m sure you can guess what happened.