20 Reasons Why You Suck: Highlander 2
When they decided to make a second Highlander movie it was a very joyous occasion for young Chad. I wasn’t old enough to see it in theaters yet but I eagerly awaited its arrival at my local video store (remember those). I used to spend hours swinging a plethora of plastic swords in my backyard, pretending to take the heads off of other immortals before falling to the ground and being consumed with their power. I even created a comic book character that I would sell to my classmates who was a pirate immortal fella. It made it much easier to pillage when you knew you couldn’t die. Anyways, Highlander 2 was supposed to be a happy time for me but instead I was robbed of my happiness and forced to forever remember the horror that was The Quickening. It struck deep too. It was so damned confusing. The story was gibberish and I couldn’t understand why Lambert and Connery would create such a pile of shit. I can only imagine there was a great deal of guilt and narcotics on set. The makers of the franchise at least did us the courtesy of ret conning the events of this movie when they made Highlander: The Final Dimension three years later. That one I did see in theaters (a double feature with Star Trek Generations, I believe) and while it was one thousand times better than H2, it could never fully bring me back from the depths to which I had sunk. Now, as a grown man, I feel compelled to get all of those old feelings off of my chest. For this edition of 20 Reasons Why You Suck, I’ve taken it upon myself to watch the “Renegade Director’s Cut” in the hopes that I might actually enjoy some of it. Well, you may have already guessed that this movie did indeed fail to live up to even the lowest of expectations. It’s hard to imagine the studio letting them release multiple copies of this film. The only other movie I can remember being released more is Alexander, and while it was crap, it at least had some badass battles in it. This movie has none of that. In fact, you would be hard pressed to find anything of value in this whole movie, so this is…
20 Reasons Why You Suck: Highlander 2 Edition
1. What makes this even worse is this is supposed to be the good version of the film so God knows how many reasons I could have found for the theatrical version.
2.This movie was made in the early 1990’s, did they think that within 10 years the ozone layer would be destroyed?
3. How many operas have a giant neon sign outside saying “OPERA”?
4. Why are guys fighting with swords when they have guns in the flashback?
5. I understand that the director wanted to try to fit it into continuity but the voiceovers for the Renegade version during the tribunal are absolutely horrendous.
6. Why would General Katana send two morons like that to kill Macleod. They appear to be special needs at best.
7. As soon as Macleod turns young, Virginia Madsen’s character bangs him in an alley. She literally just met his old ass 5 minutes before that.
8. Even the characters in the movie are trying to figure out what is going on. Macleod finally says “something like that”.
9. No Highlander movie ever needs a montage of Sean Connery buying a suit. What a waste of time.
10. How would a man from thousands of years in the past know a reference from The Wizard of Oz?
11. Katana speeds the subway train up beyond 600…even with KPH that is faster than any train deserves to be. I doubt they have that capability.
12. Ramirez as a character adds nothing to the arc of the movie.
13. Katana destroys a cab and all the cab driver can talk about is hooking him up with his sister. What?
14. Sean Connery says “it’s well known that dark haired ladies like to sit on men’s faces.” That is actual dialogue in the movie.
15. The safety video on the plane is absolutely bonkers.
16. Katana says to TSC board “This is no way to treat your number one draft choice.” Did he have ESPN in the past?
17. There are only like 4 guards at the shield and when McGinley gets thrown from a window by his balls no one seems to care.
18. Sometimes it feels as though they were trying to make the worst movie possible. This shit can’t be all by accident.
19. Conner suddenly has his old sword even though it hasn’t been in the entire movie up to this point.
20. Lambert and Connery were apparently out partying at clubs a lot and would show up on set a little worse for wear. Sadly, this is the only character other than Bond that Connery ever played more than once.
