Chad’s Pick: Prepare for a historical ass whooping!
I have a bachelor’s degree in a box somewhere that says I know a lot about history but you don’t need a B.A. to know that these two movies kick more ass than Hannibal Barca! Am I right?? The best thing for you people is that you can find both of these ancient picture shows streaming on Netflix so you are able to pop them on in the background as you build a painstakingly detailed model of the Roman Coliseum out of toothpicks and popsicle sticks. That is something that normal people do, right?
Gladiator
Ok, saying that this movie is awesome isn’t news to anyone. This one was a no-brainer. It could even be considered lazy to use this movie since it’s been awarded all kinds of accolades over the years and it pretty much turned Russell Crowe into a movie star while also re-igniting the public’s affection for historical dramas. Not since Braveheart had a film been so moving, yet also so historically inaccurate at the same time. The difference between Gladiator missing on the actual history and other films is that Ridley Scott really knows what he’s doing and even if the film uses the Marcus Aurelius assassination angle to further the drama it is still better than that crappy Channing Tatum movie where he plays a Roman Legionnaire. If you really want to watch a movie based on the legendary Ninth Legion then you need to watch….
Centurion
Written and directed by Neil Marshall, starring Magneto and that hot chick from Quantum of Solace, this movie is the ancient Roman action film that we deserve. Marshall will be the first to tell you that this isn’t meant to be studied in schools since it’s an action thriller and not purely based on historical events, but as an action movie it totally kicks ass. In fact, watch Centurion and you’ll see shades of my two favorite movies of all time; Predator and The Last of the Mohicans. The hour-long chase between the Picts and the Roman survivors adds to the tension while the toungeless Etain is the Brit version of Magua from Mohicans. The fight scenes are so violent that they’ll leave weaker-stomached viewers curled up in the fetal position, clutching a copy of Adam Sandler’s newest garbage crying to themselves, “I should have just watched Grown Ups 2”. For those of you with tastes similar to mine, you’ll be on the edge of your seat as the film treats us to a dozen different variations of a man’s head being cleaved in half. Awesome!
