Bullet Points: Stash House
At this point in his career Dolph Lundgren has earned a pass from me. He’s made enough awesome action movies that I’ll pretty much check out any film that he decides is worth his time. That doesn’t mean that it always works out for me because watching this movie was more a chore than it was a pleasure. I’ve no doubt seen worse films and if you’re looking for something simple and somewhat short or you really loved that Jodi Foster movie Panic Room, then this is your flick.
The Gist: A really stupid couple from Ohio attempt to spend the night in their new home only to realize that it is some sort of Stash House for a whole butt-load of drugs. A couple of bad guys then show up to take care of the couple before they find what was really hiding there.
The Cast: This isn’t Sean Faris’ first film. That is a fact that could have fooled me. I’m being a little harsh on him (probably) but if you plan to carry a film as the lead then you have to be better than the wet sponge that headlined this movie. Faris acts like he’s an android who has never met a real human before and just doesn’t understand their actions. Enough of him…dear sweet Briana Evigan, you are a vision of beauty. I would a watch a documentary on her sneezing, that’s how hot she is. Her acting was fine too, I guess. I was a bit distracted for most of the movie.
You’ll notice a theme in these stills from the film.
The Villain: I’ve seen enough episodes of ABC’s Castle to know that Jon Huertas isn’t that bad of an actor. I like him on the show and maybe I had high expectations for his performance here but he was flat out awful. Call it bad writing if you want (you wouldn’t be wrong) but Huertas never appears comfortable in the bad guy role. He does, however, not have to carry the evil torch alone and he has a seemingly comatose Dolph Lundgren creeping around in the dark next to him. Dolph’s character jumps back and forth from “asshole villain” to “he’s just a family man” but somehow forgets to just be a character that causes a response from the viewer. If you’re a Lundgren fan like me, skip this turd.
There’s not much tension watching people hiding behind a door.
The Action: Remember that movie Panic Room starring Jodi Foster? Well, this one isn’t much different than that except for the stars and the unfortunate lack of Dwight Yoakem. I thought my prayers were going to be answered in the first few minutes when the two stars started getting busy but I was cheated out of my gratuitous nude scene and from that point on it was going to take some seriously awesome action to get me back. It never happened though, and instead I had to sit by and watch Dolph Lundgren get defeated by a f**king bottle of widow cleaner! Damn these filmmakers for turning one of my heroes into a sissy who loses to a couple of break dancers.
So much hiding around corners!
Take it Home:
- Babyface fire: Faris keeps getting shot but he no-sells everything. Apparently he was never taught how to “pretend” to be hurt.
- Payday: I can see why Dolph would agree to do this film. I’m sure it was a very easy shoot and an even easier check to cash. He pretty much stands outside in the dark for most of the film.
- Motion tracking system: They say that they have cameras in place all around the house but they still feel the need to rush to the window and look out of it every 4 minutes.
- Holy unneeded twist Batman!
Rating: 2/5
