Straight Shootin’ with Chad Cruise: Haters Gonna Hate
Often times I find myself having to defend my opinions on certain subjects here on the site. “Do you really think that Michael Dudikoff is one of the best action stars ever?” “Are you seriously saying Cobra is one of Stallone’s best films?” “Can you really be as good looking as you say?” But the most asked question has to do with my obvious hatred for Mark Wahlberg films. Most people just can’t understand why I’m so opposed to him and his “acting” skills. I mean, he does seem to be a very likable guy in real life and it’s hard to argue against some of the films he’s played in like The Departed and Fighter because they won a butt-load of awards. I’m not going to spend another article talking about why I don’t like Mark Wahlberg and his “acting” (you’re welcome), but I have compiled a short list of things that I would rather do than sit through a Mark Wahlberg Marathon.
Oh, by the way, the answers to the questions above are Yes, Sure is, and Damn straight!
I. I absolutely love the film Sniper, starring Tom Berenger, but I would rather be water boarded than have to sit through the movie Shooter again.
II. Chow Yun-Fat was an absolute God when he was making action films for John Woo but I’d rather time travel back in time to my conception than have to watch Wahlberg ruin CYF’s career in the cop duo film The Corruptor.
III. As a little one I owned every single Planet of the Apes film on VHS and I also have a digital copy of the POTA cartoon that was super racist and totally weird. Having said that, I would rather drive cross-country listening only to Gilbert Gottfried-read audio books than to sit through that un-Godly Planet of the Apes film by Tim Burton.
IV. Max Payne might go down as one of Marky Mark’s biggest disappointments. It is absolutely terrible. I’d rather eat a ton of Chipotle and then have to jump on a trampoline in front of my in-laws for an hour than be forced to survive through another terrible video game adaptation.
V. The 2000 film The Perfect Storm was based on a true story, and for that I’m saddened, but I’d rather respond to a dozen Craigslist ads for “exotic dancers” than to have Mark Wahlberg portray me in a movie. You know what, I would prefer if Gilbert Gottfried played my part.
I can’t be the only anti-Berg out there. Anyone else feel the same way about this jabroni? Or maybe you think I’m crazy? Let’s hear your thoughts.
