Bullet Points: Bullet to the Head

No matter what year it is I still get excited when I hear that Sylvester Stallone is starring in a new action film. You can call that a strength of mine if you like but at times it can also be a weakness. Unfortunately, this was one of those times that it backfired on me. I sat through Bullet to the Head once, and like the time I tried the new Christmas-themed beer instead of getting my Great Lakes Christmas Ale, I won’t make that mistake a second time.

The Gist: James Bonomo is a hitman who gets set up and loses his partner to the man who hired them. Taylor Kwan is a detective from out of town who gets on the case and ends up workin with Jimmy to take down the men responsible for Jimmy’s partner and to save Jimmy’s kidnapped daughter.

The Cast: Sylvester Stallone and Sung Kang play Jimmy and Detective Kwan. They have the worst chemistry of any duo I’ve ever seen on screen. In fact, it gets so bad that I had a hard time enjoying the film because I was pissed off the entire time it was on. What kind of action movie names their lead cop Taylor? That is the weakest shit I’ve ever heard of. The way he keeps using his phone is so unimpressive. I kept thinking that he was going to start using Facebook or something to help “crack the case”. Maybe the person who wrote the story/script for this had something much cooler in mind (like in Hackers!) but using your smart phone to Google shit isn’t something that is going to blow people away in the year 2015. I also didn’t hear a single accent that would make me believe this movie took place in New Orleans.

This dude couldn’t have been less heroic.

The Villain: Uhhhh…I feel bad for Jason Momoa here. He had Game of Thrones and then hew as cast as Aquaman in the new DC Universe of movies but in between those two awesome things he was bent over and totally reemed in the anus by the makers of Bullet to the Head. He should have been a Bolo Yeung-like villain who was so damn menacing that you just couldn’t wait for him to get his old fashioned comeuppance from old man Sly. The finished product was something all kinds of bad and his role as the the strong arm for a bunch of rich dudes left a sour taste in my action taste buds. Christian Slater is also in this if that does something for you. The main baddie is some African dude who wants to demolish ghettos and build condos. That would make him a cheap version of Lex Luthor from Superman: The Motion Picture.

It is a very, very sad day…

The Action: This film tries way too hard to be something that it isn’t. I expected a solid action film starring one of the best of all time teaming up with a young up and comers. It had Momoa as the muscle to go against Sly and a plot that was so simple and unoriginal that it should have been hard to screw up. Somewhere along the way the film strolls into a weird area where Sly’s geriatric vengeance against his former employers takes over the storyline and the addition of Det. Kwan means less and less as the film goes on. The ax fight finale was the only decent scene in terms of action and by that time it was already a lost cause. Kwan’s character is one of my least favorite of all time. He gets shot and doesn’t even think to add pressure to the wound. I’m assuming that any law enforcement agent would know what to do with a bullet wound. That is the sort of thing that makes or breaks a film for me.

Sly’s other option was to strangle Momoa with his bulging veins. 

Take it Home: 

• Lady Killer: Taylor is so awkward around Sarah Shahi’s character. He’s like a junior high kid around the hot high school cheerleader.
• Favorite Quote: “Guns don’t kill people, bullets do.”
• Product Placement: Bullet Bourbon and Miller Lite in at least three different scenes.
• Spa Fight: The Viggo Mortensen scene in Eastern Promises has ruined me for all future spa fight scenes.
• Just Die Already: The hitmen target a guy at the beginnin of the film and he keeps fighting back after taking 3 bullets to the chest. One tough fellow.

The Verdict: Unless you like punishment or enjoy watching the action stars of yesteryear star in terrible movies then you need to skip Bullet to the Head. I hate to say that because I love me some Stallone action, but this turd needs buried with the rest of the cat shit.