Bullet Points: The Fallen Ones

I’m not gonna lie, I’m probably pretty annoying to watch movies with sometimes. I get extremely critical about actors that I don’t like (Wahlberg, Tatum) while other actors can do no wrong in my eyes (Dudikoff, Cruise). So when I watch a film that stars an actor that I have a positive connection to it allows for a large buffer area when it comes to how much I can take before I shut the movie off in disgust.

That brings me to my latest review; The Fallen Ones. It’s a film that stars a BPA favorite, Casper Van Dien and while it didn’t knock me off my feet with its awesomeness CVD had that buffer that I was talking about so I didn’t immediately hit the stop button on it, and I’m glad I didn’t. It’s important to remember your expectations when you set out to watch a movie of this kind. I recently watched Raiders of the Lost Ark and it was just as great last week as it was 30 years ago, but I didn’t expect this to be as great. It was entertaining and had a charm to it that many high-budget films lack, though. Especially ones starring those jabronies Mark Wahlberg and Channing Tatum!

 

• Synopsis: Veteran Indian Jones lookalike Matt Fletcher (Casper Van Dien) is involved in a dig in a remote desert in the Southwestern United States. Everything is going to plan until a large mummified body is found and soon a plot involving a Fallen Angel, a Giant Mummy, and Robert Wagner begins to unfold and Matt Fletcher may be the only person who can stop the evil angel Ammon before he finishes an age-old ritual.
• Doctor VD: I can’t back this up with statistics but it feels like Casper Van Dien plays a scientist of some kind in about 80% of his movies.
• Giant Jackass: The Giant looks a loot like Chris Pontius from Jackass and Wildboyz.
• Masters of Acting: For a TV movie that is far from a big budgeted affair, The Fallen Ones has a great cast that includes Robert Wagner, Geoffrey Lewis, Tom Bosley, Kristen Miller, and of course Casper Van Dien.

• Mummy Killer: Casper Van Dien has already laid the smackdown on extraterrestrial arachnids, vampires, and Viet Cong, why not add giant half angel mummies to the list?
• The Chosen People: For some reason the inclusion of a ‘old Jewish guy’ always adds legitimacy to even the wildest stories. Maybe it’s the accent or the use of a Hebrew word here and there that seems very wise.
• What Happened to Geoff? Between doing hundreds of push-ups and chugging Great Lakes Christmas Ales I missed what happened to Geoffrey Lewis’ character. If anyone has seen or heard from him, please let me know in the comments below.

• There’s a first time for everything: Yes, it’s an amazing 90’s country song from the band Little Texas, but I think this may actually be the first time that I’ve seen an angel attempting to rape someone on film.
• Far, Far Away: At times the music sounds very similar to the score from Star Wars.
• The Verdict: I doubt that The Fallen Ones is going to be your new favorite movie but if you are a fan of movies like The Mummy, Raiders of the Lost Ark, or 50 Shades of Grey you’ll probably find some enjoyment here. Van Dien is his usual square-jawed, likeable self and he has a really good supporting cast around him. Kristen Miller, who plays his love interest, is also pretty damn sexy. I recognized her voice and later found out that she did one of the voices from Team America: World Police so that was fun little tidbit. To recap, if you like action/adventures involving Angels, Giants, or Mummies then look no further.