Straight Shootin’ with Chad Cruise: How to make The Last Stand not suck
The 2013 flick The Last Stand was the first film back for legendary action star Arnold Schwarzenegger and it should have been an easy hit for him and Di Bonaventura Pictures. Arnold hadn’t starred in a movie since 2003’s Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines and several years hanging out in California with all of those liberals must have really softened him up. The Last Stand came and went without so much as contented shrug. The story of veteran lawman Ray Owens (Arnie) taking up the good fight against a Mexican Cartel leader who attempts to escape the country through Ray’s little town set up for what could have been a really paint-by-numbers action film. Instead, the film was filled with bad comedy, horribly uninteresting characters, a very non-threatening villain, and the dumbest plot device I’ve ever seen where a f*cking car outruns a plane!
I was recently flying back to my great state of Ohio from Tom Brady-Land and I started thinking about how much better The Last Stand could have been if it wasn’t written by some jabroni who has never Googled the top speeds of American sports cars. Anyways, check out some of my amazing ideas below and let me know what you think.
- Shoulda been a cowboy: The Last Stand is one of the films most likely to have been better if it had been a Western. If I had been involved in the writing process I would have set this film in the late 1800’s. Arnold’s character would have been a Civil War veteran who is now an aging Sheriff in a small border town. The villain would have been a Mexican bandit who had his bandido buddies cross the border to help him escape. Instead of the car it could have been a decked out stagecoach or something. Arnold could have still had his posse of misfits but simply placing the film in the Wild West eliminates that whole ‘car is faster than plane’ element that makes my brain hurt.
- One liners: Did Arnie even have any good one liners? Here, let me try: Villain: ” I ride fast and I shoot fast”. Hero: “But you talk slow”. BLAM! Dead as shit!
- Call the Cavalry: Arnie’s character was a Civil War vet as a member of the cavalry. That means he’s able to ride down the bandits in a wicked stagecoach/horse chase scene. Also, you could throw in that “here comes the cavalry” line.
- Stereotype it up: Keep Johnny Knoxville if you want but I would like to add a couple more stereotypical characters to my version. First I’ll add the prostitute who gets her revenge for being roughed up and then I’ll throw in the ex-slave as well. “You were born a slave, how would you like to be a hero?”
- No more FBI: Setting this film in the past negates any use of the FBI. Instead use the federal troopers riding the railroad. Guess what, though, the bandits destroyed the railroad and now they can’t catch up to the bad guys. So much better than that bullshit Corvette.
You’re welcome Hollywood.
