Bullet Points: Jurassic World
The newest entry into the Jurassic Park franchise has received somewhat mixed reviews based on how much money it made. It made a metric shit-ton of money at the box office but many people all over the world are still lukewarm on the film. It doesn’t have much that I would consider memorable and while I enjoyed myself while watching it (you have to admit that the final 30 minutes was pretty fun), I can definitely see how many people shuffled angrily out of the theaters on opening night.
I think the biggest problem with the movie is that it tries to be two different films. Well, I don’t know if it’s trying to be two different films but it seemed like it WAS two different films to me. The first act of the movie was so unimpressive; we meet the annoying little boy, his even more annoying older brother who only cares about girls even though he’s surrounded by millions of years old creatures that are literally flying through the air and eating entire sharks in front of his eyes. Their parents are having marital issues (surprise and who gives a shit?), and the main white lady antagonist who has no life outside of her work. The only thing that works in the first third of the movie is Chris Pratt and that’s only because he’s so likable when he plays himself.
The studio had their pick of actors for supporting roles and you’ll notice that most everyone on screen at some point has been a featured actor on one major network show or another. When it comes to characters, though, I couldn’t have cared less whether these people lived or died, so bring on the Dinos!
Synopsis: Rich people decided to rebuild the park from Jurassic Park by creating a bunch of even deadlier dinosaurs and placing them behind glass windows and assuming the creatures will just accept their new found prison lives. Maybe they thought they’d be so happy to be alive they wouldn’t care to escape or rebel against their masters. Either way, the pissed off dinosaurs go all Nat Turner on their human overlords and a group of militaristic contractors, some white people, and Star Lord get caught in the middle of it.
- Kids….: It was mere minutes into the movie and I was already hoping that teenage boy would get eaten by some sort of carnivore. The studio must have made a point to stick every imaginable stereotype into the first 35 minutes of this movie. Most people never step foot in Walt Disney World and he’s staring into the eyes of creatures that have been dead for 35 million years and he can’t stop looking at 15 year old girls. Damn him and his privilege.
- Nods and Yawns: The movie tries so hard to fit as many nods to the original in it that I couldn’t help but get bored. It’s almost like they’re trying to make us forget they already made multiple shitty sequels. I’m surprised Sam Neil didn’t Facetime in with Chris Pratt and tell him about his chicken/raptor theory.
- Dino Kingpin: I love seeing Vincent D’Onofrio in just about anything but his character in Jurassic World is completely and totally stupid. So he was paying Star Lord and Bishop to train the raptors so he could use them for military purposes? To replace bomb sniffing dogs? To replace drones, even? What an idiot! He either has no clue as to how drones are used in the military or he thought that he could train his very limited number of dinosaurs and replace the dogs already used by the armed services. I’m pretty sure it took them 3 years just to get the raptors to not eat Chris Pratt’s face off. The turnaround time on a dog or drone is quite a bit less. I think Vincent’s character needed an intervention for being a damned idiot!
- Kill me now: The amount of product placement in Jurassic World is insulting! I read that the director Colin Whatshisname was claiming to be making a comment about the commercialization of popular entertainment. I call bullshit.
- Whatever you do…: There were many scenes in the film that made zero sense but one that stuck out to me was when the mercenaries finally showed up with all their hardware and the people from the park didn’t want them there. What the hell, dude? A bunch of dinosaurs are loose in the park with 20,000 people and some dudes show up to kill the dinos and evacuate the people and they’re pissing and moaning because they didn’t call first? There’s also a real passionate response to how they’ve trained the raptors and are now using them to stop the killing machine that they created in a lab. It seems to me that using the trained raptors to stop the “Murder-a-sauras” should have been the answer to their prayers. Talk about being ungrateful. Almost like a teenager who gets free tickets and VIP backstage treatment to see living legends only to complain and whine the entire time.
- The Raptor Swerve: The dinos must have been pro wrestling fans because they changed sides more times than The Big Show. I was totally fine when they decided that they would help their kin instead of falling for the charms of Chris Pratt and the red-headed lady in high heels. It’s too bad that they eventually turned back to the good side (after killing some people first) because I would have liked to see a sequel where they go on a road trip with their gigantic dino relative.
Just a few extra Bullet Points for you dino-fans:
- Just like a woman to be using her phone as soon as she gets behind the wheel of a car.
- Chris Pratt’s motorcycle magically appears out of nowhere! What a cool super power!
- Now I really want a Dino Riders movie!
- The remaining areas of the old park look like they’ve been untouched for 500 years.
- The look on the computer dudes face when Chris Pratt knocks over his toys is priceless. Probably my favorite part of the movie.
- Also, his comic relief was slightly weird after watching at least 25 people get killed by dinosaurs.
- Bryce Dallas Howard has now appeared in the Twilight, Terminator, Jurassic Park, and Spiderman franchises.
