Bullet Points: Prometheus
Prometheus has so many good things going for it; it marks the return of director Ridley Scott to the franchise. It takes the Alien action once again away from Earth and onto a new planet full of new obstacles. It introduces new characters, some of which have connections to the future world that we’re already familiar with. And most of all, it promises to tell the story of what the hell may have happened to create life both on Earth and on other planets.
While all of those things hold promise, the overall execution of Prometheus is the vacation equivalent of going to Bermuda only to get explosive diarrhea and to spend the trip spraying poo into a hotel room toilet while you stare out the window as the sun sets over the beautiful landscape (seascape?). It’s beautiful to look at but you’re bleeding inside and out and each additional wipe sends a shot of pain through your already dehydrated body. Your misery is unbearable. You can’t take advantage of that all-inclusive food/alcohol deal and your significant other is probably at the hotel bar getting rubbed up on by some local with a cool accent.
Prometheus really did look great but no amount of beauty is worth the two hours of vomit-inducing character work and cringe-worthy script writing that accompany said beauty. May the Engineers have mercy on our souls…
Synopsis: Following clues to the origin of mankind, a team journeys across the universe and find a structure on a distant planet containing a monolithic statue of a humanoid head and stone cylinders of alien blood. But they soon find that they are not alone and that the planet was abandoned for a reason.
- In the Beginning: I don’t know if you knew this or not but life on Earth was created by a bunch of really pale body builders.
- We put the “Fiction” in Science Fiction: Jesus….These “scientists” are stupid as hell. My first question was how the idiots came to the conclusion that the Engineers were sending them an invitation to come find them by having some cave drawings all over the world. That isn’t the first thing that would pop into my head. I guess I am right to think this way too because that so called “invitation” ends up getting all those morons killed. It makes more sense to think that these people are all just expendable colonists and not supposedly intelligent people. I always thought that Paul Reiser’s character from Aliens was an asshole but he is far better than any of the worthless dumb shits hired for this expedition.
- Science Lesson #1: Don’t take your helmet off on an unknown planet for f*cks sake!
- Science Lesson #2: I counted at least three times early in the movie when they mentioned Martians being on this planet. Do they know they’re not on Mars??
- Science Lesson #3: When you bring in a guy who specializes in maps and shit, and he gets lost; cut his throat and leave him to bleed out in the dirt. This movie is so lazy at characters that it fills it’s ship with seemingly smart people and then just makes them act and react as if they’re seventh graders lost in the Amazon Rain Forest.
- No mas: Ridley tries what I can only assume was a throwback to the amazing briefing scene from Aliens. You remember the scene where James Cameron was able to introduce half a dozen characters by only using about 5 minutes of screen time? Well, Ridley attempts to do the same thing but botches it to the point that all of the characters become even more unlikable.
- History in the Making: The discovery that they make is the most significant find in the history of the world but they’re crying around like little girls. I don’t know how this piece of garbage movie was ever made.
- There is some Action: The action that does happen in the movie comes out of nowhere and has very little positive effect on the film. Yeah, it looks nice on screen and it was a welcome change from hearing these characters talk, but I didn’t care about any of the people on the ship so it meant nothing to me when they started dying.
- Idris to the Rescue: Elba was easily the most interesting character in the entire film. In fact, his two co-pilot buddies were also brought along slowly as the movie progressed and by the end of the film they were the only ones that I actually wanted to see survive. Elba has now appeared in pretty much every single movie franchise of the past 5 years.
- Just Roll the Credits Please: There are so many swings and misses in Prometheus that I was just begging for Ripley and Hicks to nuke the site from orbit. The story was shit, the characters were shit, the writing was shit, the aliens were shit. Hell, even when the “sorta-alien” finally gets revealed at the end it fall flat because we’ve just sat through 2 hours of being disappointed. It’s like sitting through the high school graduation of one of your twin daughters while the other sits next to you with her three kids. I think I know why Charlize Theron ran directly under that falling ship instead of veering to the left or right for safety; she didn’t want to be in the sequel.
This film doesn’t deserve it but I’m giving you a few extra Bullet Points. Consider this the EXTENDED EDITION Ridley. Maybe if Scott makes 7 different versions of Prometheus one of them will finally be good!
- This was the final movie to be worked on by legendary designer H.R. Giger.
- Ridley Scott claims that an Engineer was sent to Earth to stop humanity from being so aggressive but he was crucified. Guess who it was??
- Logan Marshall-Green described his character as “an ESPN X-Games scientist”. Good God, I hate this man.
- There needs to be a sitcom about the two worst scientists on Earth who keep getting sent into space.
