10 Reasons Why You Should Name Your Kid John
Those who know me or those who follow me on Twitter will know that I recently had my first child. The all important naming of the child was partially left in God’s hands as we didn’t really have any names picked out and we didn’t find out the gender of the baby until his little alien head popped out dragging behind his placenta like a homeless man with a bag of cans.
The naming of the child is a very significant moment for not only the little one for years to come but also for the parents as well. Selecting a name that was both meaningful and not totally stupid was important for my wife and I. The recent popularity of names like Aiden, Liam, Hunter, or Caden appear to support the theory that our country is growing “SAWFT”, if in our names only. A look at the list of popular names of recent years will prove that “masculine” names such as Frank or Jack are slipping further into obscurity, to be replaced by different spellings of Cody and Colten.
I’ve had to live with my Boy Named Sue-like name of Chad for 32 years now and not a day has gone by that I didn’t wish to be honored with a name that represents the most important ideas and qualities that I find necessary to build a man’s foundation upon; strength, simplicity, and tradition. Forget all the celebrity names. Never buy another baby book again. Here are 10 Reasons Why you Should Name your Kid John.
1. John McClane: He’s already been inducted into the BPA Hall of Fame (his greatest accomplishment, btw), so that alone should be enough reason for you to name your child after him. If that isn’t the case then just look at the values that John McClane stood for. Over the course of the Die Hard series McClane has defended innocent lives against international thieves, terrorists, Russian gangsters, and domestic terrorists with anti-American motivations. Don’t even get me started on McClane’s defense of his family. There is no better way to end up dead than to attempt to hurt a member of the McClane brood. If strength, loyalty, and lawfulness are important to you then you should consider naming your kid John.
2. John Rambo: An American hero and possibly the greatest action hero of all time, John Rambo’s life-long battle against all things evil has left him with deep physical and emotional scars. Bad dreams that he can’t wake from will continue to haunt him for the rest of his years. No other hero on this list has had to deal with the same sort of ungratefulness that Rambo has dealt with but John never lets us down. He’s a rock that has stood for decades against the enemies that threaten our nation and the ideals it stands for. If you covet qualities like honor, duty, or perseverance then you should consider the name John for your child.
3. John Spartan: A man’s legacy is something that he builds with sweat equity, determination, and a willingness to stand up for those ideals that make his quest a righteous one. John Spartan was one of the greatest lawmen who ever lived, and the driving force behind his quest for justice also led to one of his greatest defeats at the hands of his most dangerous opponent. John Spartan’s career could have been over. Frozen in a cryo-lab, surrounded by a changing world, John’s cowboy heroics of a by-gone era seemed to no longer be needed. But a true hero will always answer the call. If justice and a willingness to fight evil wherever it may appear are important to you then I believe John is the perfect name for your child.
4. John Matrix: A life spent in the service of one’s country is never a wasted life but for former Special Forces operative John Matrix, his calling in life led him away from combat and into fatherhood. I believe that raising and educating our children is the single most important thing that we do in life so when a child is put in danger it is up to that parental figure to leap into action to save the day. John Matrix loves animals, ice cream, carrying bigass logs, and killing bad dudes. He epitomizes self-sacrifice and love as much as any character I’ve seen.
5. John Connor: It’s not easy growing up as the savior of all mankind. Every choice has the potential to destroy the future that you’re destined to fulfill and each moment threatens the your very existence. Luckily for us humans who will survive the uprising of the machines (obviously I survive), John Connor’s lifelong attempt to become the man that he was destined to become cannot be destroyed by any number of shitty sequels. McG and Alan Taylor tried their best to kill the man who would become our greatest symbol of freedom but I would encourage you to let his legacy live on by naming your child after him.
6. John ‘Eraser’ Kruger/ John ‘Breacher’ Wharton/ John Kimble: Arnold Schwarzenegger has already appeared multiple times in the article above but he’s about to get all up in this business. Arnold has played more influential “John’s” than any man in history. John Kruger’s life was all about protecting people who couldn’t protect themselves. John Wharton’s career was built on his grit and determination. John Kimble pretended to be a teacher to bang kid’s moms. No matter which John you look at, they all encompass many of the qualities that we, as parents, wish to impart on our children.
7. John Stone: Brian Bosworth was maybe the most popular football player in the United States when he ended his career. What next? How about going undercover in the most dangerous motorcycle gang in America? Okay, maybe Brian Bosworth wasn’t the one who went undercover but his character, John Stone, puts in one of the best performances for a freshman action star in years. John Stone becomes Joe Huff as he infiltrates a deadly biker gang, putting his own life in jeopardy in order to put evil men in jail. There is no greater sacrifice.
8. John Hatcher: When John Hatcher returned to the home of his family in Steven Seagal’s Marked For Death, there is an obvious air of badassery to the man. Seagal had already had hits with Above the Law and Hard to Kill but it wasn’t until John Hatcher showed up that we learned that no amount of Jamaican voodoo could scare Seagal away from a fight. To Hatcher, targeting his family members is worse than targeting him and a man with that much love for his family will stop at nothing to get revenge.
9. John Cutter: Air Marshall John Cutter’s job is to protect his flight from any type of unintended consequences while in the air. It’s a thankless job. A job that only seems important when something goes wrong and the Marshall must quickly make a split decision that could save or cost dozens of lives. John Cutter had the bad luck to be onboard such a flight. A flight that saw serial killer Charles Rane escape captivity and threaten the lives of the passengers on the plane. John Cutter showed the resilience needed to survive long enough to get the bystanders to safety before taking down the bad guys. It’s for reasons such as this that you should consider naming your kid after John Cutter.
10. John Wayne: While not being born with the name John, or Wayne, for that matter, John Wayne is the epitome of American manliness decades after his death. If you try to separate the man from the characters that he portrayed you’ll have a difficult time. Many of the men that Wayne played in his 142 leading roles were closely modeled after some of his real world views. Wayne was a conservative leader who bled red, white, and blue and whose life was epic in its success and the amount of critics that it created. Everything about John Wayne was larger than life and you can’t walk down the hallway in a dorm today without seeing a poster of “The Duke” on some kids wall. John will forever go down as one of the greatest things to ever come out of Hollywood.
Are you not convinced?
