Bullet Points: Shark Lake
The start of Summer brings us warmer weather, babes in bikinis, and one more thing that continues to entertain us year after year; Shark Week. You may not have noticed but shark attacks are on the rise. People are getting bitten left and right, and the one time fool-proof plan of just staying out of the ocean has proved to not be as effective as I once thought. But it’s in those trying times, when the water seems too deep, and the night air is cold against your face, you need the one thing that will protect from the dark. The one man who can stand against demons, terrorists, evil dictators, and yes, even sharks. His name is Dolph Lundgren, and he’s here to kill some God damned sharks!
Synopsis: A man (Dolph Lundgren) who sold exotic animals on the black market is released from prison only to find that his former town is under siege from multiple shark attacks in the once serene town surrounding Lake Tahoe. Now he finds himself between his former mobster employers, a man-eating shark, and the extremely protective adoptive mother of his child. 99 problems…
- Come again?: In what world does a podunk deputy arrest the amazing Dolph Lundgren? I will accept sharks attacking people in and out of water but I just don’t see this one happening.
- Shark movie essentials: I’ve come to understand that 40% of all shark movies is filled with underwater cameras and ominous music.
- C’mon, live a little: Vacation time is the best time to hop on a jet ski, go bungee jumping, or heck, even go parasailing. Before Shark Lake I would have never expected that random shark attacks would be the biggest hurdle to the parasailing industry.
- The Mafia wants their shark back: I don’t remember the full plotline from The Godfather 3 but I don’t recall the re-acquisition of a bull shark at any point.
- Movie logic: Based on having watched a number of shark movies, there is an over abundance of ocean based scientists running around. They appear so abruptly and mysteriously sometimes that you might think that they could have something to do with the shark attacks.
- Dear Congress: I know that the banning of “assault” rifles is big on the minds of many a politician right now. Democrats are salivating at the fact that they can and very likely will get something passed soon enough but when you absolutely, positively, have to kill every shark in the lake; accept no substitutes.
- Do your research: After spending several minutes “researching” photos of actress Sara Malakul Lane, I’ve come to the conclusion that the filmmakers have done a major disservice to us all by not putting her in a bikini or flaunting her around in a beach towel or something. I don’t throw around the word “tragedy” often, but I think this warrants it more than any other time in history.
- Loose ends: Low budget action movies aren’t the best at tying up loose ends. They seem to just throw a bunch of stuff at the audience at the end so you’ll forget about how ridiculous the story actually was. Yes, Dolph’s character was being paid by the mafia to trade exotic animals to them, and one of those animals was a bull shark. He had a little girl, who was adopted and raised by the same deputy who arrested him. Now he’s being released and that same bull shark, that was accidentally released into Lake Tahoe, is finally attacking people and scaring the hell out of everyone.
The Verdict: Other than Jaws, has there ever been a good shark movie? That Samuel L. Jackson movie is close but I still wouldn’t put it in the “good” category. The real answer is no. They shouldn’t be that hard to do but there are so many that are released each year that they should have accidentally made a decent one by now. Shark Lake is not a decent movie. The biggest problem is that it takes itself too seriously to be a fun movie. Instead of just showing girls running around with their jugs hanging out, or showing interesting shark attacks, they go full-on serious and instead suck it up something fierce. Skip it.
