Violent and Beautiful: The Ladies of Hercules

A movie that features such an abundance of amazing actors like John Hurt, Ian McShane, and Joseph Fiennes, doesn’t always feature a similar amount of sexiness from the ladies. The sort of movie that you get with any Hercules story lends itself to a certain amount of male shirtlessness, and Hercules (2014) has enough oiled up dudes to please the entire Kardashian family. Thankfully, it also employs a handful of exotic and tasty looking women who do their best to divert your attention from just how bad the movie really is. Did the writers just decide to mix Braveheart, Clash of the Titans, and King Arthur together in the hopes that it would be watchable? Sorry, I need something to distract me from ranting on this movie…

Thanks Irina.

That’s Irina Shayk. As you can tell, she is unbelievably hot. This also marks her first time on film (other than the ones she may or may not make with her boyfriend Bradley Cooper) and while she doesn’t get much time to flaunt her skills she plays a very valuable role. She plays a character named Megara, the wife of Hercules.

When her life is cut short, The Rock Hercules goes nuts and turns into a mythical hero, marauding across the lands fighting random beasts and wearing their hides. So whether she put in an Oscar-worthy performance or not, Irina played her part and for that I’m grateful.

Rebecca Ferguson plays the noble Ergenia, whose son is poised to rise to the level of King if only he doesn’t end up dead first. You may remember Rebecca from her amazing role in Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation or the other movies that she did topless but the most important takeaway from her career to date is that she’ll appear in almost any movie as long as she can pretend to play some historical/mythical character. Becca, as I call her, has the type of body that doesn’t quit, no matter which century it inhabits.

Last and probably least, is an actress by the name of Ingrid Bolso Berdal. Her “o” has a weird slash through it like she’s some sort of Pop star or the type of thing you’d see on a costume for a superhero named Ozone. Either way, she’s Hercules’ trusted companion during his quests and she fulfills the role that Legolas started in all of the Lord of the Rings movies. The biggest difference is that Legolas wears way more makeup. Berdal is much hotter than the picture above might lead you to believe, and she also wields a pretty mighty sword/bow combo. Hailing from Norway, I can only imagine that she’s just happy to be able to show her midriff without her bellybutton icing over. She can stand by my side any day.

Cheers to all the lovely ladies of this terrible, terrible movie. You girls sure do clean up nicely!

Let’s have a foursome!!