Bullet Points: The Last Witch Hunter
I’ve never been a fan of the Fast & Furious series. That may anger many of you but I’ve always just seen them as a poor attempt at doing a Point Break remake. That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t like Vin Diesel. If it’s to be believed, Vinny grew up a pretty big nerd; reading comic books and playing Dungeons and Dragons for years it’s a wonder that he ever got laid at all! But now Vin is a certified badass and a massive action star all over the world. It can be exciting seeing an actor embrace the types of roles that he does out of passion for the projects and not just the amount of zeroes on the checks. I dig that Vin wanted to star in this movie. It shows me that his nerdity is still intact.
Synopsis: In the never-ending battle between good and evil, a select few warriors hunt the very witches that look to destroy humanity. A veteran of the wars named Kaulder, the very man who eliminated the Witch Queen in the time of the Black Plague, continues the immortal life that he was cursed with by capturing any witch who defies the shaky peace between humanity and the witches.
- Getting Medieval on your Ass: Vin Diesel and his beard and hairpiece are the best thing to make your Monday’s better. Good God! Whoever chose this look for Vin should be awarded at every awards show this season. I can imagine this wig guy and the dude who does all of Bruce Willis and John Travolta’s toupees in a split screen waiting to hear who won the award at the Oscars.
- Sorry Timur: Russian director Timur Bekmambetov was originally going to helm this beauty but had to drop out due to scheduling issues or because he just couldn’t handle how awesome Vin’s beard was.
- Deja Vu: All of the monster movies are the same, whether it’s witches, vampires, werewolves, or undead armies, it’s always some fragile peace with humanity and the Catholic Church overseeing the fighting.
- Mr. Reliable: When was the last bad role that Michael Caine had? It doesn’t matter if he’s only in the movie 5 minutes, that dude still elevates every story simply by adding his old wrinkled face and that amazing voice.
- Don’t lie to me Wood: Vin’s character is supposed to be immortal but it’s Elijah Wood who hasn’t aged in a decade. Somebody check this dude to make sure he hasn’t made some sort of deal with the devil.
- WTF Quote: “Didn’t your mother teach you not to eat candy from trees?”
- Kids these days: Vin Diesel had a wicked beard, a sweet haircut, and killed witches with a flaming sword. The witches were creating plagues in order to wipe out humanity. Now, Vin drives a sweet Aston Martin and the witches are taking selfies with him while he sleeps. Times sure have changed.
- That’s Real Power: I think that the greatest way to tell if you’re super powerful in your life is to snap your fingers and have people run off to do your bidding. It’s even more impressive when you don’t even have to tell them what to do. Just a snap of your fingers and the minions go running.
- Opposites Attract: Vin Diesel might be the perfect opposite of Rose Leslie’s real life boyfriend Kit Harrington.
- Remember those Witches: The biggest issue I have with The Last Witch Hunter is that the witches are a bunch of bitches! I don’t mean that as a derogatory term for females (would I do that?) but they’re really just a bunch of pussies. The only person they sorta-kinda succeed in killing is an old-ass priest. The villain in any action movie should either be so cool in his villainy or be out-right frightening that you can’t help but care about him/her. The witches in this movie are just sad.
- Are you ready for some more: I don’t know if this movie made enough money but I could see a return to the character if all the cards are in line. Just a recommendation from a lowly lover of action; give us more medieval Vin.
The Verdict: I had a lot of fun watching Vin Diesel and his awesome beard and that coonskin on his head. The only problem with that is that he spent maybe 20 minutes looking awesome and the rest of the time looking like Vin Diesel. I would put The Last Witch Hunter in the “entertaining but not good” category. It’s probably like watching Men in Black 5 if it existed. I didn’t ask for it but it definitely kept my attention.
