Bullet Points: Pentathlon

Quick, what is the most underrated Olympic event? If you said the pentathlon, and modern pentathlon to be specific, you would be correct. Now what is the most underrated Dolph Lundgren movie? If you answered Pentathlon you would be correct. If you thought that these two questions were extremely convenient considering the subject of today’s Bullet Points is Pentathlon you would be correct one more time.

Since we got the pop quiz over let’s dive into the modern pentathlon. While there is some debate, many believe the modern pentathlon was created by Pierre de Coubertin, founder of the modern Olympic Games. The five events glorify the skills based off the experience of soldier who must ride his horse, defend himself with sword and pistol, swim across rivers and run swiftly. That’s about all there is to say about that so join me on a journey to Pentathlon.

 Young Eric Brogar is an athlete at an East German academy with a very demanding and patriotic coach, Heinrich Muller (David Soul aka Hutch of Starsky & Hutch.) Muller rides his athletes hard in order to win for East Germany. Fast forward to the 1988 Seoul Olympic Games and Eric Brogar (Dolph Lundgren) is part of the East German modern pentathlon team. Muller is still pushing his team, advocating blood doping and any other form of cheating and forbidding the athletes to socialize with the Americans, especially female pentathlete and budding love interest for Brogar, Julia Davis (Renee Coleman.) Brogar loves two things, America and hating people that tell him what to do, a la Muller. Brogar is able to overcome the obstacles of the grueling five events to win the gold medal.

 What better way to celebrate a gold medal then to defect to the United States, a very similar story to how I ended up here. While at the Seoul airport, Brogar evades Muller and the East German secret police to escape to Los Angeles. Only a few months of being in the U.S. the Berlin Wall falls and Brogar is distraught at having left his country where he could have been free. He causes a scene at watering hole that causes Julia to break up with him. Fast forward four years and Brogar is working as a lowly short-order cook for Creese (Roger E. Mosely of Magnum P.I. fame.) If you watch Pentathlon for any reason, let it be seeing Dolph Lundgren playing an out of shape (although he still looks fit) smoking, drunk, sad sack who sleeps on the floor. Brogar even gets his portable television stolen and busted by some ethnically diverse hoods. It is a low point for Brogar that begins the his turn around. I don’t blame him, imagine going from gold medal champion to being robbed by a United Colors of Benetton ad.

 Creese discovers that the man working for him was a gold medal winner and decides to coach Brogar to get back to the Olympics. Of course, the main motivation behind Creese’s interest is his potential cut of the endorsement money. You better believe there is a training montage showing Brogar getting better and the pair truly becoming one of the better student/teacher relationships in cinema history. Brogar eventually runs into Julia during the regional modern pentathlon Olympic qualifying and the two rekindle their romantic relationship, really warming the cockles of the heart.

 All is not sunshine, lollipops and rainbows for Brogar. His old coach and nemesis Heinrich Muller has become big in the neo-Nazi movement in the unified Germany but is forced to flee to the U.S. to avoid the police. Once in the U.S. Muller plans to assassinate a rabbi at a peace conference. When Muller finds out that Brogar is living in L.A. he now has another target on his hit list. This is when the movie fully changes from a feel good sports movie to a full on mid-90s action piece. The two surprisingly fit well together and lead to exciting bouts of sports action, gunplay and hand to hand combat as Brogar needs to stop Muller and also attempt to qualify for the U.S. Olympic team.

 Pentathlon and the modern pentathlon are both underrated in their fields. They are similar in that every four years I get a hankering to watch and then I am satisfied. It is difficult to find such a unique premise for a movie, and there is no better actor than Dolph Lundgren to easily portray a gold medal winning Olympic athlete. There is no better way to end a Bullet Points than with some Bonus Bullet Points and because the movie is Pentathlon you better believe I am squeezing out five of these bad boys…

1. If You Ever Wanted to See: …Dolph Lundgren in a speedo, Dolph Lundgren in a pair of white briefs, or Dolph Lundgren in small swimming trunks under a waterfall you are in luck because you get all three.
2. Swan Song: Pentathlon was the final film directed by Bruce Malmuth whom you might remember from such action films as Hard to Kill and Nighthawks.
3. Best Quote: Creese: “I feel like a gay pimp. How do I look?” Brogar: “Like a gay pimp.” Zing! As an aside, I have always wondered if Creese thinks he looks like a homosexual who is a pimp or a pimp for homosexuals.
4. Executive Decision: Pentathlon was the first film executively produced by the multi-talented Dolph Lundgren. It is a far better movie than Lundgren’s directorial debut The Defender, but that movie does feature Jerry Springer.
5. Is This Over Yet?: Don’t forget to stick around to the end of the credits to see if Brogar has made the U.S. modern pentathlon team. Spoiler alert, he does.