Election Day Special
After an election season that has been one long nightmare, millions of living and deceased Americans will visit the polls today to elect the next person to stand in front of hundreds of cameras and shrug their shoulders as we continue to fight in war after war and our economy and healthcare plans spiral out of control. It’s no longer “election season”, it’s “election year”, and I, for one, can’t wait for it to all be over with. If only we had a group of candidates that weren’t mentally unstable or highly corrupt. If only our two choices didn’t come down to a man who judges women on their shapes and a woman who judges people on their skin color. If our country ever needed a hero to step forward and take command (you know, commander in chief style) the time is now. I’ve compiled a list of candidates for you to consider as you step into those smelly auditoriums and churches to cast your votes and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be so inspired by what they have to say that you’ll find yourself writing in your favorite.
Similar to our own two-party system, I see this as a “two horse race”.
President James Marshall: Air Force One – The “I don’t give a shit what terrorist organization you come from, I’ll whoop your ass anyway” Party
Air Force One was released in 1997, a year that seems so far off that I can barely remember what it was like when people had to ask what terrorism was. We don’t get to hear much about Marshall’s other policy issues. Did he have a Marshall Plan (history joke!)? What was his stance on abortion? Okay, that kind of stuff is important in real life but for an action movie I really just want to see him lay waste to some bad guys and fly a plane like a champ. Imagine how easily Hillary Clinton would win if she was a kickass fighter pilot and not a career politician with more scandals than varicose veins. Or if Donald Trump had been fighting against foreign enemies instead of attending ribbon cuttings with them and potentially boinking their daughters.
In the speech below, Marshall goes off script to deliver a truly badass message directed at the enemies of both the United States and of justice everywhere. It reminds me a little of George W. Bush’s speech after 9/11 where he said that we were gonna go all John Rambo on the terrorists asses (something like that).
https://youtu.be/WwQ-TCeM2mU
President Thomas J. Whitmore: Independence Day – The “I don’t give a shit what planet you came from or how Randy Quaid made it into this movie, I’m gonna stick this missile where neither of our planets’ suns shine” Party
Released a year earlier than Air Force One, Independence Day pulled no punches when it came to making the United States of America the leader on our planet. Hell, after the aliens attack Earth there are very few governments that exist to fight that it was left to Thomas Whitmore to hop back into his old flight suit and tear a new black hole in their alien asses. What is it about fighter pilots turned Presidents that we love so much?
The classic speech below if filled with the type of spirit that we haven’t seen in a real president in a few decades. The type that isn’t afraid to sound “too patriotic” and doesn’t care if he offends some alien creature with his rhetoric. President Whitmore didn’t just tell his people where to go, he led them. Like a modern day George Washington during the Whiskey Rebellion, POTUS Whitmore mounted his aircraft and rode that sumbitch straight into the alien laser fight like he had been on bath salts all week.
https://youtu.be/oj16vfbsM9A
But wait! Who is that third party candidate? Is he bat-shit crazy or some sort of genius?
President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho: Idiocracy – The “if Eddie Murphy and Stone Cold Steve Austin had a baby” Party
No President in American history has ever dressed as patriotic as Camacho, that’s for sure. Most of them just wear a tiny little pin on their lapel but Camacho drapes himself in the stars and stripes. He also carries a machine gun under his podium in case he needs to quiet the crowd down a bit. The other things that he says seem like very much common sense solutions to problems that the American people are facing every day. His speech writers could use a little work but it’s certainly nice to hear a President who isn’t afraid to draw a hardline and actually stick to it.
Okay folks, it’s time for the American people to decide. Or, if you listen to President Obama, illegals can also vote! Hard times call for hard decisions and I’m afraid this one might offer us three candidates that are supremely better than the two that we’ll be voting for today. God have mercy on us all…
