What Not To Watch: Parole Violators

Thanksgiving Day in the United States is a holiday rich with tradition. From the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, NFL football on TV and the feast of feasts that includes cranberries, mashed potatoes, stuffing, pumpkin pie and lots and lots of turkey. Here at Bulletproof Action, I started a Thanksgiving day tradition of my own last year when I reviewed The Adventures of Hercules, which can easily be described as a real turkey of a movie.

This year that tradition continues as I review the 1994 movie, Parole Violators. Not only is Parole Violators also a turkey of a movie, it may be the biggest turkey of them all! This movie was beyond bad…

• The Premise: For a split second Parole Violators showed some promise. Sean Donahue plays Miles Long, a former cop who now hosts a Cops like reality show called The Parole Violator. On the show, Long follows recent paroles and catches them in the act of violating their parole with his video camera. At times he takes things a step further donning a ski mask and becoming a vigilante of sorts dubbed “The Video Cop”. Potential stalking charges aside, this was an interesting premise and I thought it had some potential… potential if it was in the hands of nearly anyone but the Donahue family.
• Like Father, Like Son: I became painfully familiar with the acting work of Sean Donahue when I  watched Fighting Spirit earlier this year. But Parole Violators was my first Patrick G. Donahue experience. Patrick is the father of Sean and also the writer, director of and a supporting player in Parole Violators. Talent is often in a bloodline. We have seen this in Hollywood, the music world and in professional sports. Parole Violators is a reminder that lack of talent can also be passed on from generation to generation. There was a reason that Patrick G. Donahue’s directorial debut was in 1982 and his follow up picture was in 1991. But let’s get back to Sean Donahue. Sean has all the charisma of a brown paper bag. His fighting skills are nothing to write home about either, which makes him an awful choice to be the lead in an action movie. Sean also served as the stunt coordinator for the movie. I can honestly say that he coordinates stunts as well as he can act.

• The Villain: Chino Lopez is our main villain. Chino is a violent pedophile who proudly proclaims after being released from prison that he likes little girls, really little girls. Despite being the lowest of the low in the criminal world, Chino has quite the support system around him that help Chino abduct little girls. This aspect of the movie was both disturbing and far fetched. I’ve always heard even serial killers look down on child rapists like Chino, so it is shocking Chino made it out of prison alive. One man who wishes that Chino would have died in prison, is our protagonist Miles Long. Miles was actually the man who arrested Chino during his days on the police force and the fact that Chino only served a portion of his sentence does not sit well with Miles. Things get even more personal when Chino kidnaps the young daughter of Miles’ love interest in the film. And speaking of the love interest…

• Award Winning: I wanted to go out of my way to discuss the acting work of Pamela Bosley, who plays Tracy Dodd (girlfriend to Sean Donahue’s Mile Long character). Bosley actually gives an award winning performance in Parole Violators. And that award would be The Worst Actress in an Action Movie EVER! She had a knack for repeating lines over and over again like “I’m doing my job.” and “My baby. My baby” and later when her daughter slips into a coma “I didn’t mean to cuss you.” Pamela if you are reading this, I want to let you know that I did mean every cuss word I said about you as I was watching your work in Parole Violators. I’m not sure if she was the real life love interest of Sean Donahue at the time the movie was being made, but she certainly did not get hire due to her acting ability. And it wasn’t due to her off the charts sex appeal either. That lack of sex appeal had a spotlight put on it when Tracy, in an attempt to escape, tries to seduce one of Chino’s goons (ironically named Goon) by showing off some bra strap and gyrating to bring some attention to her camel toe. It was one of the most pathetic scenes I’ve ever witnessed.
• Upstaged: Sadly, it was the Tracy character that had the best one liner of the movie, “Hope you had your tetanus shot bitch!” and the best bit of action in the movie too. At one point, Tracy and Miles are taken captive by Chino and his boys. Tracy and Miles are tied up and gagged and put in the back of a van (The type of van that one could potentially use to lure children with). Our “heroes” get loose and a fight breaks out in the moving van. Tracy kicks one of the guards in the balls and the guard’s reaction is to jump straight up and crash through the van’s moonroof. How awful of an action star do you have to be to get upstaged by a woman who never acted before Parole Violators and never acted again after Parole Violators?! You have to be Sean Donahue awful. Sean’s greatest contribution to the movie is being involved in one of the most epic falls in movie history. Miles is bouncing off rocks and tree branches as he seems to be falling forever before finally hitting the ground with a sickening thud… if only there were a fence with spikes at the bottom.

I am not sure what the Donahue family has against action movies, but Parole Violators made it painfully obvious that they despise the genre. The Donahue clan managed to violate so many of the rules of making a quality action film that I lost count.

If I never see another Sean Donahue action film it will be too soon. His family’s blatant disrespect for the genre I love is not something I take lightly. And today when I am with my family and we go around the table sharing what we are thankful for, I will say I am thankful that Sean Donahue hasn’t acted in a movie since 2001.

I hope you are thankful for these bonus Bullet Points…

• Captain Obvious: After Miles makes a grand entrance to save Tracy by jumping through a window, Chino’s right hand man Toos says “Where’d you come from?” to which Miles replies, “Through the window.”
• Shout, shout, let it all out: The first Miles/Tracy interaction we are privy to takes place at the police department motor pool, where Miles and Tracy shout the entire conversation to one another since there are car repairs being done all around them. They start by talking about Chino’s early release but it some how ends up with them making dinner/sex plans.
• Elaborate Death:  You know in James Bond movies where the villain sets up an elaborate death for Bond instead of just shooting him in the head. Well, Parole Violators attempts something similar when Chino puts Tracy’s daughter Susan on a raft in the middle of a pool. Susan’s wrists and ankles are tied and she is gagged, she is also sitting on top of a milk crate that is on top of the raft. Chino has a long stick with a nail on the end and he starts poking holes in the raft. This leads to…
• Worst CPR Ever: If Parole Violators taught me anything it is that Sean Donahue is not CPR certified.
• Appropriate Quote: “My God. I can’t watch.” – Miles Long