What Not To Watch: Bullfighter
For those of you who believe in Santa Claus, you know that he is always watching to find out if you are naughty or nice. If you are nice Santa will bring you heart pounding Christmas action movies like Die Hard, Die Hard 2, Lethal Weapon or Gremlins. If you are mostly nice with some naughty sprinkled in you might end up with passable Christmas action movies like Reindeer Games or Enemy of the State. For those that are mostly naughty with some nice sprinkled in you only get a lump of coal in your stocking and you will be praying every second that Santa saw you do that one good deed because if Santa finds you to be completely naughty there is only one thing you find under your tree. Bullfighter is reserved for people that are truly naughty and after you watch it you will believe that the filmmakers chose the wrong noun to follow bull. Coincidentally, if you are looking for the perfect workplace Secret Santa gift I can’t recommend Bullfighter more.
- Keep Christ in Christmas – The story of Jesus Christ, whatever your religious or nonreligious beliefs happen to be, is truly an action packed adventure that was told in the number one selling book of all time, the Bible, and in numerous films. Why did the writer/director think that he could adapt the story into a modern day Mexican western film? I really think Rune Bendixen… wait. His name is Rune? I assume it is pronounced ruin because then Bullfighter would start to make sense. I don’t want to leave out Majken Gilmartin for helping writing the screenplay with L.M. Kit Carson and Hunter Carson adapting the screenplay. Coincidentally, L.M. Kit Carson co-wrote the screenplay for Paris, Texas which is a completely different film than Paris, France.
- Starry Night – The main star of Bullfighter is Olivier Martinez as Jacques and he is one of a few bright spots. The French actor does the most with an over-bloated convoluted script in which he is speaking a second language (English) that is not the main language (Spanish) of the country the movie is in. Michelle Forbes plays the Blessed Virgin Mary role as a character named Mary Blaster, an American mobile DJ playing small Mexican town Christmas fiestas. Spoiler alert, she ends up getting immaculately conceptioned. Michael Parks plays the antagonist and he is the brightest spot of an overall game cast. Coincidentally, the opening narration features Jacques and Mary arguing which almost made me turn off after the first 20 seconds. Never a good omen for things to come.
- Bait and Switch – Bullfighter does the classic grifter tactic of baiting the audience with quality actors and then going with the old switcheroo to find out those respectable actors are only in the movie for a cup of coffee. Looking at the movie cover you are led to believe that Willem Defoe plays a major role in the film. While he is in the film and has a role in helping out the protagonist, it is very short and for part of his scene he is dressed as a Knight Templar even though his character is a Mexican priest! Basically Willem Defoe is in Bullfighter as much as bullfighting is in the movie. Wait, isn’t the movie called Bullfighter? It is and it features less bullfighting then a Madonna Take a Bow music video. The cover also promises Robert Rodriguez, who you get in a non-speaking role, and Donnie Wahlberg, who you get in a role you’ll wish was non-speaking. Coincidentally, Rune Bendixen, Guillermo del Toro and Robert Rodriguez all play Mexican goons hired to kill Jacques and I wouldn’t mind watching movies directed by two out of the three. I don’t always get what I want.
- Kitchen Sink – When a movie is trying to do a familiar story in a new way it doesn’t help to jam as much superfluous story points to confuse the audience. Bullfighter looks like it was trying to court every type of audience possible with its multiple story lines, but it never can pull it together. You know a movie is going bad when half way through the filmmakers decided to start inserting cartoon style speech bubbles to explain what is happening on screen. I haven’t even tried to confuse you with the two different revenge plots, angels and devils, bank robbery and Volvo storylines. Don’t forget the Knights Templar. All of this is topped off with the most jarring transitions and editing choices that will have you wishing for simple peaceful Star Wars style wipes to slow down my seizures. Coincidentally, there is another story point with Jacques and Mary passing out and losing large amounts of time. Lucky.
Bullfighter may not be the worst movie I have ever seen, but it is the worst Christmas action movie that I have seen. There is plenty of action to keep you interested and some decent work by the actors, but the positives cannot overcome the convoluted plot and odd editing choices. My only advice to you is to be good throughout the year because even if you don’t believe in Santa it is not worth taking the risk of being naughty and finding Bullfighter under the tree. Coincidentally, someone out there must have been nice because there are some Bonus Bullet Points coming your way!
- Jenny? – During a flashback of a bank robbery we find out the bank safe combination is 8-6-7-5-3-0-9-1. First of all why are there so many single digit numbers in a classic combination dial safe and second of all – DUMB.
- Bad Things Come to Those Who Wait – Bullfighter had its initial release in Spain in 2000 but didn’t get a US video release until 2003 or a US DVD release until 2005.
- Most Closed Minded Quote – “Phone sex with a chainsaw doesn’t turn me on.” C’mon, live a little.
- Most Accurate Quote – “You stole my life.” I said the same thing to Bullfighter. I can’t get that time back, and now you can’t get your time back after reading this Bullet Points. HAHAHAHAHA Merry Christmas, suckers!
