Bullet Points: The Barbarians (1987)

“To Thine Own Self Be True.” – William Shakespeare

A quote from Williams Shakespeare is probably not the way most people would begin a review of a Barbarian Brothers movie, but it really is quite fitting. Through out the course of their acting careers, twin bodybuilders David and Peter Paul never strayed from who they really were. Even when they got their big break as the leading men in the 1987 film The Barbarians.

In many ways The Barbarians is like many of the other sword and sorcery movies that Hollywood has produced over the years. There’s the evil sorceress, mythical monsters and a good dose of scantily clad men and women. But while the rest of the movie is in serious sword and sorcery mode, David and Peter Paul appear to be making their own movie filled with their patented sophomoric humor. The Brothers Paul absolutely look the part of heroes in a sword and sorcery movie, but their actions and personalities almost make them fish out of water in The Barbarians. 

• Prologue: Our movie begins innocently enough with a traveling group of entertainers making their way across the country side. Up until this point in their existence this merry band of jugglers, clowns and knife throwers never had any trouble and were able to freely roam from kingdom to kingdom. But these old school entertainers had never come across the diabolical warlord Kadar (Richard Lynch) and his evil army. Kadar does not honor past tradition and he attacks the circus troupe, partially because he’s an asshole and partially because he wants a powerful red ruby that the leader of the group, Canary (Virginia Bryant) has in her possession. To really emphasize what a dark day this is, two young orphans who the troupe recently picked up in their travels are taken prisoner. These are not just any two orphans either, they are twin brothers Kutchek and Gore.

• The Villains: You can never go wrong casting Richard Lynch as your main villain. Lynch (Invasion USA) is one of those actors who was put on this earth to play bad guys. Watch any scene with Kadar and Canary and you’ll feel the creepiness that Lynch projects. Lynch’s years of acting experience also helped bring a level of gravitas a movie with so many inexperienced actors and actresses could not otherwise achieve. And speaking of the inexperienced, Sheeba Alahani played the part of the evil sorceress China. Sheeba was a model working in Italy at the time and this was her one and only film role. And if Dick Lynch wasn’t a creepy enough bad guy the movie double downed and cast the unique looks of Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes) to play the role of The Dirtmaster. The Dirtmaster took delight in the torturing of others and made for a great heavy in the film. Watching this movie the villains do a lot of evil things, but one thing you can’t accuse them of is not providing their prisoners with enough food…

• The Barbarian Brothers: The skinny twin boys that Kadar captured would grow up to be the heavily muscled Kutchek (Peter Paul) and Gore (David Paul). The story goes that the two were kept apart for years. Then one day for the entertainment of Kadar, the two brothers are put under masks and force to compete in a battle of the gladiators. But this blows up in the faces of Kadar and his evil companions when Kutchek and Gore realize the truth about one another and that the woman who unofficially adopted them, Canary, is still alive. Now the two beefed up brothers have a purpose. Kutchek and Gore are looking for revenge on Kadar for what he did to their people and to save the woman who saved them, Canary.

I don’t believe The Barbarians was as entertaining as some of David and Peter Paul’s work in the 1990’s like Twin Sitters and Double Trouble but The Barbarians set the tone for what all future Barbarian Brothers movies would be. The antics of David and Peter almost seemed subdued in The Barbarians compared to their later films but there’s still a solid mix of action, adventure and comedy that Barbarian Brothers fans would expect.

If you are super serious about your sword and sorcery films, I would skip The Barbarians, but if you like to have fun while watching movies then The Barbarians isn’t a bad choice at all.

No review I write for this website would be true to itself if it didn’t include some bonus Bullet Points…

• Rookie Sensation: The Barbarians would feature the acting debut of the lovely Eva LaRue. LaRue is probably most known for her work on CSI: Miami but you may also remember her from Robcop 3 and Ghoulies Go To College. Some could argue that Eva’s character proves to be the most important in the film, big shoes for a rookie actress to fill.
• Favorite Insult: “Moosehead”
• Cannon Italia: This movie was the fourth and final movie produced by the Italian arm of the Cannon Films empire. Cannon Italia apparently loved working with bodybuilders, because Lou Ferrigno was in the other three films they produced… The Seven Magnificent Gladiators, Hercules and The Adventures of Hercules II.
• If You Ever: Wanted to see Richard Lynch have some of his fingers bitten off by a child, then this is the movie for you.