Bullet Points: Universal Soldier: The Return

The Universal Soldier series is a very underrated collection of movies. The first one is an absolute classic starring two of the best action stars of the 1990’s and the two most recent films have surprised me by being both balls-to-the-wall paced with action and thought-provoking enough to provide the series with a fresh take on the mythology. But somewhere between 1992 and the return to glory in 2009, there was another release starring Jean Claude Van Damme as the heroic Luc Deveraux. It would end up being a film that the later ones would pretty much forget all about. And to be honest with you, they aren’t the only ones who forgot about it.

Synopsis: A computer program conveniently named S.E.T.H. is transferred into the jacked body of Michael Jai White and the Universal Soldiers are released once again to wreak havoc on us non-reanimated folk. Only Luc Deveraux can stop the evil computer man from completing his goal of whatever it was that he wanted to do.

• First Things First: I feel like I should start this review off with an apology. As much as I like this series, JCVD as an action star, Michael Jai White in pretty much anything, and movies with unnecessary scenes in strip clubs, this movie is a real piece of crap.
• Yep, It’s the 90’s: You can tell that the film was done in 90’s because it starts out with a ridiculous chase scene on a jet ski. Not only do they have a shootout and some explosions, but we also find out that it was just a training scenario. THE MOST DANGEROUS TRAINING SCENARIO EVER!

• Flex Appeal: This movie also features the bodacious Kiana Tom as an ally of Luc Deveraux. I was very disappointed in the lack of skin shown by her considering I spent many an hour watching her work out on her old ESPN program Flex Appeal. Seeing the poor representation of her amazing body forced me to look up a bunch of videos on YouTube. I highly recommend it.

• GOOOOLDBEEERRG: WWE Superstar and future WWE Hall of Famer Bill Goldberg plays the horribly named “Romeo”. His name should have been Wile E. Coyote because he spends most of the movie falling off of tall shit and getting shot with grenade launchers. All the while he always has something stupid to say or Van Damme delivers a really lame one-liner. It was a really sad heel turn for the man who once had an awesome wrestling career.
• Stick With What Works: The team-up of Luc Deveraux and a female reporter worked well in the first movie so The Return attempted to do it again with Heidi Schanz. She’s attractive, of course, but the fact that Deveraux is no longer a badass with the mind of a child like he was in the original film causes this pair to lack the chemistry of the first one.

• Not Mad, Just Disappointed: It took this movie an entire hour before they walked into a strip club. That is a long time for an action movie in the 90’s.
• MJW 2000: I don’t know what kind of computer program the UniSol dudes were working with but somehow Michael Jai White appears and is essentially a walking, talking, flexing supercomputer. He also kicks the shit out of JCVD and anyone else who shows up. The action in the movie is probably the only good thing that comes out of The Return. I can’t really point to one scene and say that it’s fantastic but there is certainly a whole bunch of fighting. The UniSols still fight like it’s 1755, though. They just slowly march in a line towards the enemy. Maybe S.E.T.H. needs an update!

If there’s one thing that can help this movie, it’s more Bullet Points:

• I love when the best strategy for disposing of an explosive is just to shoot it with a gun.
• The 90’s loved their T2/Mortal Kombat style kills.
• S.E.T.H. gives a pep talk to his UniSols. If they’re all supposed to be mindless killing machines then why would this even be necessary.
• The role of Romeo was originally written for Steve Austin.