Bullet Points: Legion of Iron

I love a good surprise. It can be a pleasant surprise like finding a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk or an unpleasant surprise like finding a jury duty notice in your mailbox. While I would prefer more pleasant surprises, life would get a little boring with only good things. That is probably why I enjoyed the 1990 film Legion of Iron so much. It pleasantly surprised me with how hardcore the story was while also making me a little uncomfortable with how hardcore it was. I don’t mean to say that it was filled with blood and gore, but for a story about a high school couple it got real serious fast. Luckily for you I happen to have some Bullet Points for Legion of Iron so join me on a journey to a most surprising film.

• Billy Hamilton (Kevin T. Walsh) is the star of his high school football team and dating a lovely cheerleader Allison (Camille Carrigan) when they are kidnapped and taken to an underground fight club. When I say underground, I mean it is literally beneath the surface out in the desert. The fight club is called the Legion of Iron and it is led by the lovely but crazy Diana (Erika Nann, whom you might remember as an oil wrestler in the Michael Worth film Final Impact.) Billy is forced to become one of the fighters in the Legion of Iron and Allison is forced to become a sex slave. I told you it was hardcore. Allison is actually the prize (read rape victim) for the winner of the first fight after we see Mad Dog get murdered by Rex (Stefanos Miltsakakis, whom you might remember from another Michael Worth movie Fists of Iron.) So in the first 15 minutes we get kidnapping, murder and rape, who could ask for more. Actually it is a little too much, unless you are into rape. I don’t know what was worse, watching Allison get raped by Rex or watching poor Billy being forced to watch by Diana. In case rape is your thing, Billy almost gets raped by some sadistic male guards and later raped by Diana.

• Now that Billy has sufficient motivation to fight and kill Rex he needs a mentor to teach him the fight game. Enter former NFL star Lyle Wagner (Reggie De Morton) to help train Billy. You know what that means… training montages! We are treated to a couple of montages with sword fighting, hand to hand combat and some of the best scene transitions with outlandish sound effects you will ever see and hear. Billy’s training is progressing nicely, but when he sees a chance to escape with Allison he takes it. After almost making it out, Billy and Allison are captured. Billy’s punishment is to run the gauntlet. Which reminded me of a cross between the American Gladiators gauntlet and the finale of the Clint Eastwood movie The Gauntlet, except more hardcore and with more sticks. It was a brutal and bloody punishment and I can’t imagine anything worse. Allison’s punishment is to get raped by 15-20 men.

• Billy must continue his training for his fight against Rex. Lyle has a plan to escape but he needs Billy to beat Rex so Billy gets to stay in the champion’s room which has an orgy bed that Lyle can use to make pop guns. Yes, it is as crazy to watch as it was for you to read. Billy finally gets to fight Rex and it is easily the best fight of the movie, which sadly for the high number of fights doesn’t have many quality fights. Billy also decides to fight Rex while wearing silver hot pants and rhinestone soldier pads. Not much else to say about that except it must have worked because Billy takes down Rex. The fight turns after Billy kicks Rex in the nuts followed by head-butting Rex in the nuts. Yeah, I know, Billy focused a little too much on the nuts, but it is kill or be killed.

• Diana sets up a match with a Chinese fight club and plans on killing Billy if he wins. Of course, if he loses he will die that way. Lyle finds out and determines that it is the perfect time to start their escape because they have many of the other slave fighters on board. At this point of the film, you better be ready for an all-out action escape. I’m talking gunshots to the head, shuriken to the face, and Billy shooting a guy in the nuts. (There he goes again.) There is a tense car chase, spoiler alert they make it out from the underground fight arena, followed by Diana swooping in on an ultralight plane (click here for more information on ultralight aviation) to make her last gasp effort to stop Billy and Allison.

Legion of Iron is not everyone’s cup of tea. It surprised me with such a hardcore story that can be difficult to watch for some. However, the blood and gore is kept to a minimum and the rape is mostly implied, except for one uncomfortable scene with Rex and Allison. Many in European markets will find Legion of Iron as Steel Force. Strange that they would not only change the name of the metal but pick a specific alloy of iron. I actually wouldn’t mind watching a movie called Iron Force or Legion of Steel or Legion Force or Steel of Iron… but anyway, I suggest everyone give it a chance to find if you will enjoy it, but it case you need some more motivation the Bonus Bullet Points are inhabited solely by quotes from Legion of Iron.

• Words to Live by – “Pussy may get you hard, but it makes your brain soft.”

• Boy Was I Mistaken – “Superman is black, freak face.”

• Her Miltsakakis Brings All the Boys to the Yard – “Hey asshole, I like your girl. Oh, she was so tight. Oh!!!” You must read this doing your best Stefanos Miltsakakis impersonation..

• Not Sure that is Right – “Don’t worry. I’m still a virgin.” I don’t think after all those rapes that Allison is still a virgin. “Every time I do it, it’s like the first time because I love it so much.” Oh, I get it… slut.

• No Way to Talk to a Lady – “Well, you’re a crazy fuckin’ bitch.” Or how about “Eat shit and die, you bitch.”

• True in any Situation – “The worst thing that can happen is death. So fuck it, man.”

• Don’t Knock it ‘til You Tried it – “Spit on me, baby, if it turns you on.”