Bullet Points: The Three Musketeers (2011)

My original intent was not to write a review of the 2011 Paul W.S. Anderson version of the classic Alexandre Dumas tale The Three Musketeers. It was only after I sat through the nearly two hour long mess of a movie that I thought it best to break out my laptop and see if I couldn’t provide at least a bit of warning to anyone who might think of watching it this weekend. Don’t….

Synopsis: The hot-headed young D’Artagnan along with three former legendary but now down on their luck Musketeers must unite and defeat a beautiful double agent and her villainous employer from seizing the French throne and engulfing Europe in war.

• That Same Old Tale: There isn’t much new in this version of The Three Musketeers if you’ve already seen pretty much any of the earlier takes. Especially the excellent 1993 version starring all sorts of people that you like. D’Artagnan meets up with the others and immediately gains their trust and respect, and soon finds himself hanging out with the King of France and somehow getting to make out with really hot chicks.
• Meet me at 2: The same bit that was played in the Chris O’Donnell flick where he finds himself in a duel with all of the Musketeers but instead joins forces with them is played once again. The main failure is that most of these actors (especially Logan Lerman and Matthew Macfadyen) are so downright horrible that it’s disheartening to watch as a fan of the story. The actors themselves might not be horrible but the writing sounds like it was done by a bunch of 13 year olds. Not one character is given any depth whatsoever.

• Triple Threat: I felt like the young Logan Lerman as D’Artagnan and Orlando Bloom as the Duke of Buckingham were maybe the worst offenders but Milla Jovovich of “I should only be allowed to make Resident Evil movies fame” is also disgustingly bad. It doesn’t help anything that most of the actors are from England and they’re playing Frenchmen. What were they thinking? At least the Disney version didn’t give the Three Musketeers British accents!
• Flashbacks: There are quite a few moments that were re-done almost exactly as they were done in the 1993 version. I probably don’t need to tell you that they were done much, much better in that version but it begs mentioning that I couldn’t keep from thinking about the other film while watching this pile of crap.

• The Impending War: Much like actual history, the French and British were always just inches away from getting into a war with each other. In this film, that war is somehow being fought by only British guys, flying in stupid looking air-ships, chasing after a necklace that doesn’t even look very good. Much like everything else in this movie; it completely fails when it comes to giving a real reason for the two warring nations.
• Boys Will be Boys: It’s a line that is uttered by the Queen at one point, shortly after the Musketeers kill a bunch of the Cardinal’s men, and it’s said to the King when they’re thinking of punishing the men. Apparently, none of them think very highly of the Cardinal’s men because they’re not even given the proverbial slap on the wrists.

• Mads About You: Mr. Mikkelsen deserves much better than to play a totally one-dimensional character that doesn’t even get a single good line in the entire film. It’s nearly impossible to make a character that Mads Mikkelsen can’t make look badass but somehow Paul W. S. Anderson did it.
• The Action: The fight scenes and explosions in the film are definitely the best part. Many of the action scenes are overdone and stupid. Stop using so much damned slow motion! But there are a few cool sword-fighting scenes involving the actors and a crew of stuntmen. Pretty much any scene with Milla Jovovich is dumb as hell, though. She jumps off ridiculously high towers, uses Matrix-like abilities, and makes almost every scene she’s in unwatchable. She isn’t even hot enough to make up for her shitty work anymore.

I think it’s time for me to stop this mess of a review and take it home with some bonus Bullet Points:

• One of the few good things I could think of were the fashionable dresses the ladies were wearing. I don’t mean that I found them pretty or anything, but the fashion of the day always included the lifting of the breasts. And that is something that I am always game for.
• Just shoot the balloon! If you’re in a mid-flight battle with another hot air balloon, then just shoot that bitch with your cannons!
• My favorite part of the movie was when they had that little scene at the end that made it seem like there would be a sequel. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA