Bullet Points: The Sword and the Sorcerer

I recently had the opportunity to be present at the world premiere of Albert Pyun’s newest film, Interstellar Civil War: Shadows of the Empire. I’ve already written about it before so I won’t go over it again, but let’s just say that the screening didn’t go as well as I had hoped and it wasn’t just the fault of the equipment. The footage shown (about 1/3 of the film) didn’t have that charming characteristic that fans of Pyun’s early work were expecting. I’m not trying to beat up on Pyun as a director or on the quality of his later work but it’s clear to see that his best work is behind him. As fans of the action genre, though, we’ve been blessed to live in the digital age. An age when we can easily get access to almost any movie at any time. So when you’re feeling nostalgic for the days of old, it’s only natural for one to go back to where it all started for Albert Pyun; The Sword and the Sorcerer.

Synopsis: A mercenary with a three-bladed sword rediscovers his royal heritage’s dangerous future when he is recruited to help a princess foil the designs of a brutal tyrant and a powerful sorcerer in conquering a land.

• My Art is Powerful: The evil and powerful sorcerer named Xusia is awoken from many years of slumber to aid in the capture of the Kingdom of {fill in fantasy name here}. The always awesome Richard Lynch plays the man known simply as “Cromwell”, who uses a witch to wake Xusia from his extended nap so that he doesn’t keep getting his shit handed to him by the reigning king. Xusia shows his worth by using his magic powers to essentially disembowel a woman from halfway across the room. Cromwell is all too impressed but disposes of Xusia when he feels he no longer needs him (classic bad guy move) and eventually hangs around long enough for not only the sorcerer to return to get his revenge, but also for the living son of the deposed king to return and whoop up on Cromwell for all his misdeeds.

• Darkness: The special effects look pretty awesome for a film that was made by a young director back in 1982. A wall of screaming faces is the first of several fantastic looking set pieces and gory looking effects that adds to why I enjoy this movie so much. As are most movies filmed in caves in 1982, the film sometimes looks very dark but at some point you just have to accept it.
• A True Hero: We’re introduced to Talon, the young son of the generically named King Richard. Minutes later he’s orphaned and we’re whisked away to a time where he’s now a powerful mercenary at the head of a whole band of badasses. Talon appears to have good intentions upon returning to his old city but when he agrees to help the lovely Alana and her crew rebel against the new king, his only request is that he gets one night with the soon to be queen. It’s very odd because shit like this would never fly in today’s cinema but that is what makes these old movies so fun to watch. There probably isn’t a single female in this entire movie that isn’t called a wench or a witch at some point. One utterance of the word today and the entire studio would be boycotted by liberal idiots.

• With What: Kathleen Bellar plays the seductive but still innocent Alana. She uses her sexuality to get just about everyone in the film to do what she wants at one point or another but it normally ends the same way; with her kneeing them in the junk. In today’s world she would be a Krav Maga instructor or something but in this fantasy setting it was all she could do to keep from being raped by nearly every man in the city. Even the snake tries to crawl up her twat at one point.

• How Evil is Too Evil: Richard Lynch’s Cromwell overthrows the king, kills his people, and rules the city with an iron fist. In order to take the city in the first place he decides to awaken the sorcerer guy who is played by Richard Moll from Night Court. Other than that, he’s really not that bad of a guy. I guess we don’t get to see the extent of his villainy but from the perspective of the viewer, he isn’t the worst of the worst. Even Xusia, the demon-looking sorcerer dude isn’t that bad. Of course he wants to rule the city as well but that doesn’t make him out to be any worse than the rest of the guys. At least he doesn’t constantly knee people in the balls!
• Fight to the Death: Talon and just about everyone else in the city rise up against the kinda bad Cromwell and end up duking it out for the finale. That’s all cool but it interrupts Cromwell’s wedding with Alana and you can just tell that not only is he pissed but that his grandparents traveled a long way to see their grandbaby get married and they were super disappointed. It’s never a good idea to have someone crucified at your wedding. I’ve been saying that for years and I’ve finally found video evidence to back up my claim. Talon escapes his crucifixion like a boss and no sells the giant holes in his hands as he faces down all the sorta evil guys before finally collecting his reward. And by collecting his reward I mean he plows Alana. It’s all very romantic…

You won’t need sorcery to read these Bonus Bullet Points:

• The three bladed sword may have been the double rainbow of its day.
• The transformation scene involving Xusia at the end of the film is surprisingly great. You could insert that exact scene in a low-budget film today and I would still be impressed.
• My favorite line in the entire film is the one at the very end. After the bad guys are all stopped and their evil plans are all thwarted, Talon and his crew ride away from the city because there are “kingdoms to save and women to love”.
• Richard Lynch has the look of a bad guy down. His beard/crown combo is cool as hell. It also helps that he isn’t one of those bad guy Kings who just sit by and let their minions do all the killing.

The Verdict: The Sword and the Sorcery is a really fun movie to watch. Anyone who is already a fan of the genre has probably seen it before but it deserved a re-watch for me after sitting through that awful Warcraft movie recently. This movie creates characters that say funny things, do interesting things, and cause us to become invested in whether they live or die. Imagine that?