Bullet Points: Dead Heat (2002)

They say dogs are man’s best friend, but I think they are wrong and there is better choice.(Who are “they”? I don’t even know who you are so how would I know who “they” are but they are saying it.) Man’s best friend should be anything that lets you jump on their back and go for a ride. Of course I am talking about horses and while the majestic beasts are good for rodeos, carousels and making glue, horse racing is the pinnacle in the horse world hierarchy.  Horse racing may not have the same cachet that it once had, yet it is still beloved by the rich and famous and low life gambling degenerates. (No offense to the rich and famous or low life gambling degenerates.) Ask the fine folks of Louisville or Ascot what they think of horse racing. They will tell you they love it, they really love it. I just saved you from asking them. Now with your spare time you can watch an action movie about the sport of kings. While there are several that I can recommend, I happen to have some Bullet Points for the 2002 film Dead Heat. So join me on a journey to the action crime comedy Dead Heat, it is the NEIGHborly thing to do. GET IT?!?

• The Stakes: Pally LaMarr (Kiefer Sutherland, The Brotherhood of Justice) is a police officer in the middle of a daring sting operation, but during an action packed chase and fight he ends up suffering a heart attack. Pally is forced to retire losing one of the few things that defines him and takes to drinking, smoking, and has suicidal tendencies. All activities that are not exactly good for the ol’ ticker. To make matters worse, he is separated from his wife Charlotte (Radha Mitchell) and she is filing for divorce. Although this doesn’t stop the two from being intimate (that is when he can get it up.)

• The Derby: Charlotte talks with Pally’s step-brother Ray (Anthony LaPaglia) in order to help Pally. Ray is a low-level criminal who is always looking to make a quick buck instead of doing an honest day’s work. You know the type. Ray is blackmailing a veterinarian and learns about a race horse that is only running slow because of a curable medical condition. Pally happens to love horses, so Ray suggests the pair go in on buying Top Gallant. I love the fact that a couple of Goofuses own a Gallant  (Highlights Magazine reference!) The only jockey the step-brothers know is Tony (Lothaire Bluteau) who happens to be a felon, have a serious gambling addiction and an unfortunate French Canadian accent that makes him difficult to understand. We are treated to some high quality horse racing action scenes and everything is starting to look up for Pally. The problem is that Tony is in bad with the local mob boss Frank Finnegan (Daniel Benzali) and has no way to pay up. Finnegan takes/steals Top Gallant as payment.

• The Oaks: Ray decides that stealing back the horse is the best plan of action. Pally being a former cop is none too pleased with the plan, but decides to go along because he loves Top Gallant. I am glad he went along because the audience is treated to a daring horse rescue that is somehow packed to the brim with equal parts tense action and lighthearted comedy. The climax of the scene is incredibly shocking and almost knocked me clean out of my saddle. Ray and Pally now have Top Gallant and propose to Finnegan that they will either pay Tony’s debt in a week or give back the horse. How can two horse owners make money with a race horse? You better believe they plan on entering it in a horse race and betting on Top Gallant to win. Problem is neither have enough money for the entrance fee or bet. Enter another high quality action set piece with Pally resulting to armed mugging to get the cash.

• The Classic: Finnegan knows the horse is worth more than Tony’s debt so he tricks Tony into gambling and accumulating a new debt. The only way for Tony to pay Finnegan will be to throw the horse race. Everything is really crumbling at this point for Pally. He is committing crimes, he knows Tony must throw the race or risk his life, his wife is dating another man, and Tony drops his young daughter Sam off at Pally’s apartment forcing the him to babysit while Tony goes out and gambles. The one thing that keeps Pally going is his love for horses (the slow motion scene of Kiefer Sutherland riding a horse with the peaceful music is one of the most glorious scenes I have ever seen in an action film.) Will Pally’s heart make it? Will he get back with Charlotte? Will Top Gallant win or lose or will it be a… what is called again when it is a tie and too close to call? The finale has another unexpected turn that can’t be given away in a Bullet Points, but I will let you know that it involves a horse stampede and is a fitting way to end Dead Heat.

Dead Heat is strong evidence that horses are man’s best friend. (Refer back to that slow motion scene of Kiefer Sutherland riding the horse and check out the look of pure orgasmic bliss on his face for proof.) It is also an enjoyable romp with action, crime, and comedy elements littered throughout. Yeoman’s work is done by Sutherland and LaPaglia as they bring their characters to life in what otherwise could have been a run of the mill actioner (although the horses are the true stars.) The Dead Heat Bullet Points are almost over, but before they ride off into the sunset there is still time to enjoy some Bonus Bullet Points.

• Dead Heat is also the name of another action comedy. 1988 finally gave us the Treat Williams, Joe Piscopo team-up that everyone was calling for and I can’t recommend it more.

• One of the executive producers of Dead Heat was Charles Martin Smith (he has a very small role in Dead Heat), who I love in a different type of animal movie, Never Cry Wolf and I can’t recommend it more.

• Dead Heat was written and directed by Mark Malone who is a different person then former NFL quarterback Mark Malone. Dead Heat Mark Malone also directed The Last Stop and I can’t recommend it more.

• Still don’t get it? Neigh is the sound a horse makes and is also the beginning of the word neighborly, which I was being when I offered to take you on a journey to Dead Heat. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I can’t recommend it more.