Bullet Points: Judgment Day (1999)

Judges have all the fun. They get to tell people what to do, whack things with some sort of mini hammer, and wear all black muumuus. In some places they get to sport only the most modish wigs that money can buy. If I slammed things with a hammer and wore one of those wigs I would get escorted right out of the BPA offices. I have had enough of these hoity-toity judges getting to do all the things that the rest of us want to do. It is time to get judgmental and I have the perfect movie to practice my new found censorious attitude. You better join me in a journey to the 1999 action thriller Judgment Day or I will be forced to hold you in contempt.

• Space Out: A comet on its way through the asteroid belt knocks a 14 mile wide (or 23 kilometer if you please) asteroid right onto a track for Earth. The only people that know about this is a special space security team led by Air Force General Meech (Max Gail, Street Crimes) and Colonel Keller (James Eckhouse.) That is right, the Air Force brass is led by a sad sack cop and a 90210 dad. They have two options to stop the asteroid, Linebacker which was developed by the president’s college roommate Dr. Dick Secor (David Wells) and Thor developed by fired scientist Dr. David Corbett (Linden Ashby.) Linebacker isn’t designed for asteroids this large but is the choice because of Secor’s relationship with the president. Gen. Meech still wants Thor and sends some men to go get Corbett. Potential spoiler alert, I don’t think Dr. Dick Secor’s Linebacker is going to make this tackle. Hold up, I can’t let this slide again. Dick Secor? Guilty of punniest name in Judgment Day.

• Out of Time: Thomas Payne (Mario Van Peebles, Blowback) is the leader of a religious cult that believes the asteroid is sent by God just as foretold in Revelations in the Bible. Payne has a man on the inside that gives him the information about the asteroid and the plans to stop it. Payne kidnaps Corbett so the government can’t use him to stop the asteroid. Meech knows there is a leak in his team so he must use an outsider to find Payne and he goes to FBI agent Jeanine Tyrell (Suzy Amis) who has experience tracking Payne. She looks to felon Matthew Reese (Ice-T, Stealth Fighter) to help with her search. Reese was a member of Payne’s cult but his family was murdered by Payne. You better believe the search for Payne involves gunfights, explosions, fistfights, and a hot tub being shot.

OBJECTION! So Payne wants the asteroid to destroy the Earth and the only man who can stop the asteroid is Corbett. Payne is a known murderer and even murdered federal agents when kidnapping Corbett. So what does he do with Corbett? He locks him up in a cell. WHY DOESN’T HE JUST KILL CORBETT AND GUARANTEE THE ASTEROID WILL DESTROY THE EARTH?!?! PAYNE EVEN TRIES TO KILL TYRELL AND REESE IN THEIR ATTEMPT TO RESCUE CORBETT! JUST KILL CORBETT AND GOODBYE EARTH! USE SOME COMMON SENSE, THOMAS PAYNE! Sorry, I was out of order. Objection overruled.

• Time of Their Life: Tyrell and Reese are the true stars of Judgment Day. With one being a slightly racist Fed and the other a no-nonsense felon it is easy to imagine they are opposites but their growth and bonding was a surprisingly strong point of the film. It almost became a buddy cop movie as they hunt down Payne. Listening to Reese and Tyrell talk about lesbians and prison anal sex was worth the price of admission. Ice-T was perfectly cast as Reese, incredibly believable and the undeniable star of Judgment Day. Van Peebles (specifically Mario, but he had his wife and children in the film) plays a satisfying villain and his right hand man Brother Clarence played by the always game Tommy ‘Tiny’ Lister (American Justice,) make for an intimidating duo. Coolio (China Strike Force) has a small role that if you blink you might miss. All these actors and action were brought together by action veteran John Terlesky (Deathstalker II) in an exciting movie that requires very little thought. In fact if you think about the plot you might not enjoy Judgment Day.

Judgment Day is an action film that will let you live out your fantasy of judging. If you are looking for a final verdict I have to say Judgment Day is guilty of being an entertaining action movie and I definitely recommend to everyone. Wait, I am being told this was a jury trial and the judge doesn’t get to decide the verdict it is up to a jury of Judgment Day’s peers. Since I have already seen all of these movies and don’t want to prejudice the outcome I will suggest some peer movies in the Bonus Bullet Points for you to deliberate.

• “I’m a Cold Heartbreaker…”: Many of you might think of Terminator 2: Judgment Day when hearing the title and I am sure it was intentional to get a few more people to watch, but it isn’t the only other Judgment Day out in the cinema universe.

• Why I Didn’t Go to Camp: While more of a drama it still packs an emotional punch; Judgment Day: The Ellie Nesler Story tells the real-life story of a woman who murdered the camp counselor who molested her 7 year old son at camp.

• Perfect Casting… Allegedly: Judgment Day: The John List Story is a crime film starring Robert Blake as a real-life man that murders his wife and children and was a fugitive for almost 18 years.

• A Pack of Lips: Quantum Apocalypse was originally suggested as a joke title but it stuck which is why I like to recognize it by its alternate title, Judgment Day. It tells the totally unique story of a potential apocalyptic comet headed for Earth.

• Turn Out the Lights: If you like your judgment to come closer to the witching hour I can suggest the Emilio Estevez film Judgment Night.

• There’s an Ass for Every Seat: Of all these great films, Chris the Brain prefers WWE’s Judgment Day Pay-Per-View and in particular the 2006 edition at the world famous U.S. Airways Center (now Talking Stick Resort Arena) in Phoenix, AZ.