Guinevere the Heartbreaker
I have been in love with the legends of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table since I can remember. I suppose any young boy with dreams of being the valiant hero, fighting evil warriors, dragons, and swooping in to save the day could easily find themselves getting sucked into the stories of the King and his heroic few. My fandom of Arthur goes back even before I discovered Batman, Superman, and the X-Men when I was entering grade school, so for me, King Arthur and the Knights are the original superheroes.
My Mom used to drive me down to the public library and I would check out as many books as I could find on the legends of the British King. My favorite parts of the stories were always the battles. I would flip out for any type of artwork or drawings of him fighting against Mordred or Morgana’s evil minions but I never got down with the love triangle between Arthur, Guinevere, and Sir Lancelot. Call me old fashioned, but the idea of Guinevere running around with Lancelot always pissed me off and still does to this day. I thought I’d vent over a few of the recent King Arthur films and their portrayals of the beautiful tramp. I hope the real Guinevere is reading this….it is based on a real person, right?
Cherie Lunghi – EXCALIBUR
Not only was her dad Captain of the Enterprise and have totally cool mutant powers, but Excalibur’s version of Guinevere had one of the raddest hairdo’s of any Queen in history (fake history?)! If you haven’t seen the epic 1981 masterpiece that is Excalibur then you need to lock yourself in a room TONIGHT and watch it till your eyes bleed. It is an absolute must for any fan of the King Arthur legends and frankly, any fan of good movies. The soundtrack is killer, the action is intense, the costumes are freaking incredible, the cast is outstanding, and Guinevere is an ABSOLUTE SLUT! Her character is still my least favorite part of the movie. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found myself fast forwarding past all the adultery scenes and going straight to the battles and Helen Mirren nude scenes. Even with Guinevere being a skank the way she is, it’s still a fantastic movie that I’ll always cherish.
Julia Ormond – First Knight
Julia Ormond had already broken my heart the year before in Legends of the Fall after she spent the majority of the film throwing herself at the feet and pelvic region of Brad Pitt but she took extra special care to drive another dagger into my heart when she fell for the “Dashing” Richard Gere in First Knight. I don’t know how any woman could ever cheat on the awesome Sean Connery and not stab herself to death but Julia Ormond pulls it off and doesn’t even jump from the highest tower in Camelot. No one is mad at her for falling for Richard Gere and his strange face but the movie spends the entire runtime making Arthur seem almost perfect only for Guinevere to sneak around his old ass trying to get some Gere in her. That shit is inexcusable!
Keira Knightley – King Arthur
They can say this is the truest story and closest of tales to the “real” King Arthur but they can shove all that “true story” BS because I would rather watch Sam Neil put a spell on a hundred people in a made for TV show than watch this dumpster fire of an Arthur movie. From Clive Owen’s tailored chainmail suit, to the dumb as hell tribesmen who look like a bunch of Green Bay Packers fans with their bodies all painted up. Clive Owen’s face up above is the exact face that I had for most of the movie. The action scenes were actually pretty good if you can get past the fact that you’re watching a King Arthur movie and not just some random Roman soldier movie. I would also love to spend a few hours with the lovely Keira Knightley as well. She’s always been on my short list of celebrities that I don’t want to kill but even her looking crazy hot couldn’t keep me from not liking this movie. Guinevere is some kind of warrior Princess in this version and there is little mention of her whoring herself out to Lancelot. That is a big plus to me but it also makes it feel like a much more watered down version of the story. Either way, King Arthur is the red-headed step child of the Arthurian film collection.
