Bullet Points: The Unholy Rollers

Do you ever look back to the past longingly wishing that time never passed by because you missed something so much? There is one action movie that makes me yearn for the past more than any other movie. The 1972 film The Unholy Rollers is a glimpse at the glorious days when roller derby was king, or with all the fabulously talented women involved I should say queen. Roller Derby is a sport with teams on roller skates skating around a track assisting one team member in trying to pass the other team. So what makes roller derby so great? It is mostly women skating around a track beating the snot out of each other. What more could you ask for? You want to go behind the scenes to see the ladies behind the skates, the cattiness of the players, and if you are lucky some gratuitous locker room scenes? Then stay tuned and let the good times roll as you join me on a journey to the Roger Corman film The Unholy Rollers.

• More Like Karen Skater: Karen Walker (Claudia Jennings) is a hard-nosed young women who wants more out of life than to work at a canning factory where she gets demeaned by her superiors. Karen wants to be famous and after she quits her job in spectacular can throwing fashion she hears about a tryout for her favorite roller derby team the LA Avengers. Karen takes to roller derby like a fish to water. Karen learns a little behind the curtain details about roller derby. Did you know that roller derby is fake? Well, similar to professional wrestling, the hits and falls are real, but it is mostly scripted. I was completely nonplussed when I found out. Karen doesn’t like to follow the script, er… I mean game plan, because she wants to be the star. This angers her teammates and eventually the owner. Karen brings in the fans and becomes very famous and rich, but when the owner brings in a new skater from Fresno, Karen’s world might never be the same.

• Don’t Piss Off Roller Derby Chicks… In Fact You Probably Shouldn’t Even Call Them Chicks: That should be the first rule of roller derby, but unfortunately for Karen, she doesn’t follow the rules. Most of us have been on a team in one point in our lives and most of us have also probably angered our teammates. Don’t even bother asking my Bulletproof Action teammates about Matt Spector (spoiler alert, no need to worry it would be nothing but plaudits.) But have your teammates ever been so mad with you that they held you down on a billiards table and stripped off all your clothes forcing you to leave a bar naked? That happened to Karen. Have your teammates ever been so mad they started helping the other team in a game causing you to take extra hits and falls? That happened to Karen. Have your teammates ever been so mad that they beat you up in front of your brand new custom blue Dodge Charger with a zebra vinyl top and giant horse hood ornament and then key said car while you lie in street? That happened to Karen.

• It’s Not All Vexatious… Or Is It?: It is not all bad for Karen as she is incredibly popular with the fans and even has her own commercial deals earning her lots of money. Of course, the fickle nature of roller derby means that a new skater quickly becomes the apple of the crowd’s eye. Karen has a stripper roommate (you better believe there is a strip club scene, but it is as seedy and 70’s as possible) and best friend that is very supportive. Of course, Karen’s roommate leaves for Oregon leaving Karen alone. Karen trains with a teammate Nick (you better believe there is a training montage that ends with Karen wearing only her skates) which leads to a romantic relationship. Of course, Nick is already married and is a little abusive to Karen. Karen is the top draw for the Avengers’ owner and one of his favorites. Of course, as Karen continues to disobey the rules he quickly changes his mind and Karen goes what can only be described as bat-shit crazy, starting a riot in the rink, in the crowd, and outside the arena. It is the nothing short of greatness on film.

I really miss the time when roller derby was the national pastime and exploitation films filled the drive-in. Luckily, I have The Unholy Rollers to provide an action packed look back at roller derby and that special period of time. Claudia Jennings was just at the start of her reign as the queen of B movies and it is clear that she was on her way to stardom as she out shines everyone in The Unholy Rollers. My suggestion is that you go get a pair (of skates that is) and watch The Unholy Rollers if you are looking for some fun. If you are looking for Bonus Bullet Points, keep your pants on (or take them off, keeping them on won’t speed anything up) they are coming up next.

• You might think that The Unholy Rollers is just a run of the mill exploitation film, but can you name another exploitation film that has Academy Award winner Martin Scorsese as the supervising editor?

• When a movie starts with the national anthem of the USA (even though it doesn’t go as planned) and some of the first words spoken are “Kill the motherfuckers” by a big old hosebeast of a woman, you know you are in for a good time.

• The best insult has to be, “You stink like a bunch of paraplegics.” See, paraplegics would be bad at roller skating because of their limp legs.

• For you pious, there is a film called Holy Rollers, but it is not a film about Pentecostal Christians as it actually is about ecstasy smuggling Hasidic Jews and stars Jesse Eisenberg. When I hear Holy Rollers I think of the bowling team on The Simpsons consisting of Ned Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy, Helen Lovejoy and the late Maude Flanders.

• Most of the music was performed by Louie and the Rockets, who also make an appearance as the band in the bar. They play lots of great Chuck Berry songs and the soundtrack is a real highlight of the movie.

• The late Claudia Jennings is the reason I have a hard time driving on the Pacific Coast Highway even to this day because of her deadly accident on October 3, 1979 near Malibu, CA. At only 29, we lost the talented and lovely actress too soon.

• A few characters tell jokes (no guarantee they are good) every time they are on screen and most are not suitable for polite society, but I will leave you with one for the road.

A lady walks into a bar and tells a guy she wants 10 bucks. They guy says, “You want 10 bucks? What for?” They lady says, “I want to buy a brassiere.” The guy responds, “You want 10 bucks to buy a brassiere? Why? You got nothing to put in it.” The lady quips, “You wear shorts don’t you?”