Hot Chicks on the Planet of the Apes
The story of how apes came to rule a planet (that just so happened to be Earth) has been told by multiple directors over the past 50 years. While the original films didn’t follow the Pierre Boulle novel too closely, it retained many of the ideas from the story and told them in a way that I found increidibly entertaining. They’ve also managed to squeeze in enough T & A to fill a Maxim magazine. I remember seeing Planet of the Apes (68) back when I was a kid and absolutely falling in love with the whole simian society and how the different classes had their different roles. It was so unique seeing gorillas riding around on horses shooting humans…I mean, what the hell? But I also fell in love with a certain character from that film, a lovely lady by the name of Linda Harrison.
Yes, this picture is from Beneath the Planet of the Apes but I couldn’t scroll past it without doing a double take so here she is, in all her glory. Linda was married to studio boss Richard Zanuck and absolutely shined as the mute Nova. Not only did Charlton Heston fall for her, but she also James Franciscus stumbling over his words while trying not to stare down her shirt. I would never own a human slave but if I did, look out Linda Harrison.
2001 saw a return to the franchise with Tim Burton rebooting it with all his usual creepiness. Sure, the design and costumes were excellent but it starred Mark Wahlberg and that guy is a real piece of crap. It also gave us a seductive scene like this one:
Yes, that is Wahlberg making out with Helena Bonham Carter, who was a chimp. That proves that Marky Mark wants to bang animals. Stop giving him work Hollywood!
The extent of Wahlberg’s acting ability is him raising his eyebrows and staring like an idiot at the cameraman’s belt. Not even the awesome performances of Carter, Tim Roth, and the late, great Michael Clarke Duncan could save this cat turd from being scooped into the trash bin of franchise failure.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes came out and rebooted the series again, forgetting that Mark Wahlberg ever existed (if only I could do that) and instead gave the lead role to the biggest douche since Jersey Shore went off the air, James Franco. None of the apes were played by Seth Rogen but Franco’s love interest was played by the very lovely Freida Pinto.
Poor Pinto had to play second fiddle to his infatuation with that chimp Caesar, and she had to essentially stand by while Franco set an apocalyptic series of events in motion. To hell with James Franco!
A few years later, the franchise decided that Franco was worthless and made Caesar the main star. Take that in. Franco was so bad that he was replaced by a guy in a unitard with a Go Pro taped to his face.
Lucky for us, Dawn also introduced the always adorable Keri Russell as a HILF (figure it out) and humanity is finally saved from a future where Mark Wahlberg and James Franco survive to breed into the new human society.
With the success of the just released War for the Planet of the Apes, I am expecting the Hollywood machine to come up with a new trilogy of films starring the hairy monsters. Maybe this time they can bring in Channing Tatum and complete the triumvirate of actors that I hate the most.
