No Surrender Cinema: Precious Cargo

Mark-Paul Gosselaar is having girl troubles, gets involved in a money making scheme, and finds himself in quite a bit of trouble before he’s bailed out by his friends. Sounds like your typical Saved By The Bell episode, doesn’t it? You’d be correct in that assessment, and you’d also be begging for the gang from Bayside High to come save you from boredom, because the movie that this review is about has all the charm of a geometry mid-term.

I had high hopes for Precious Cargo. You see, Saved By The Bell made a huge impression on me in my youth. I had a tape ready to go every Saturday morning, and never missed an episode. I was mesmerized by the adventures of the gang from Bayside High, and rather quickly, Zack Morris became my hero. I spent my school days living life by the motto of “What Would Zack Morris Do”, and to this day friends and family immediately think of me anytime the show is mentioned. As I got older, my hero-worship for Zack Morris carried over to the man portraying him. Because of my hero-worship, I have always been willing to watch anything that Mark-Paul Gosselaar stars in. I watched his more serious turn as a detective in NYPD Blue (though to be fair, I was invested in that show long before he joined the cast). I DVR’d every episode of Franklin & Bash. I spent the last two television seasons watching him get new shows (NBC’s Truth Be Told and FOX’s Pitch), only to see them crash and burn quickly. So imagine my excitement when I saw my hero turn up in a movie that co-starred Bruce Willis and featured action favorite Daniel Bernhardt!

Precious Cargo wastes no time in establishing Gosselaar’s character, Jack. He’s your typical B-movie anti-hero, one of those criminals with a moral code types that we see frequently in action flicks. Before the opening credits roll, he’s already confronted, insulted, and killed a couple of arms dealers that tried to change the terms of their deal. He also did it with the type of scheme that would make Zack Morris proud. Actually, Precious Cargo plays out very much like what would have happened if Zack Morris went over to the wrong side of the tracks. Za, er, Jack has a soft spot for veterinarian Jenna, a woman who has no idea that he’s a thief who hangs around with his own personal band of assassins. Withholding that information seems to work in Jack’s favor, since he’s getting in her pants pretty easily. They’re interrupted mid-coitus by Jack’s ex-girlfriend Karen (Claire Forlani of Mallrats fame), a fellow thief and world class bitch. Karen is also sporting a baby bump that she says Jack is responsible for, and recommends that the happy couple use a condom before leaving the room.

Since the moment was soured by Karen’s buzzkilling entrance, Jack decides to see why she’s chosen to return to him. This goes about as well as you’d think between he and Jenna, but remember we’re here for the action, not the romance. It turns out that Karen was pulling jobs on her own, and wound up getting on the wrong side of criminal kingpin Eddie Pilosa (Bruce Willis). Eddie wants her to make good on what she owes him, so she’s turning to Jack for help with the job. Jack, who goes back and forth between disdain for Karen and his determination to do right by his unborn child, decides that he’ll get her out of trouble so that she’ll get off his case. Jack’s allies don’t like nor trust Karen, especially the tomboyish Logan (Jenna B. Kelly), but they decide to go along for the ride out of loyalty to Jack.

The heist goes about as well as you’d expect it to go in a movie like this, and the rest of the running time is filled with gunfights, chases, and double crosses that are all delivered with a minimal amount of enthusiasm. Willis is virtually useless in his role, and seemed to only be there for the paycheck or because the director called in a favor. His name might give Precious Cargo more notoriety than it normally would have gotten, but his presence is actually more of a detriment. Bernhardt actually does better in his role as the henchman Simon than Willis does as the main villain. Still, Bernhardt’s martial arts skills are barely put on display. He’s still responsible for what might be the movies most memorable bit of dialogue, where he chastises a bunch of Eddie’s whores for being whores, and the main target of his wrath just so happens to be played by former WCW and WWE Diva Torrie Wilson! It just goes to show you how exciting the action sequences in Precious Cargo are when one of the best scenes in the film consists of the star of the lackluster Bloodsport sequels yelling at the former Mrs. Billy Kidman.

The problem with Precious Cargo is that there’s a strong sense of “been there, done that” throughout it. There’s nothing new or particularly interesting to see here. Even with my Gosselaar Bias, it’s not a movie I’m going to want to rewatch anytime soon. The action was bland, and the acting was even worse. I know Forlani was supposed to be the bitch of the movie, but she showed none of the charm that was evident in her more well known roles. She’s also just a few years older than Gosselaar, but looked like she could be playing his mother and not his lover (and don’t dare say she could do both…we saw enough of that type of plot twist in Don Wilson’s Blackbelt). Jack’s allies all ranged from bad to cringeworthy (Actress Sammi Barber might be an attractive blonde, but she was incredibly loathsome here). In all honesty, Gosselaar was the best actor of all, probably due to the fact that he was playing the role he’s most comfortable with; the smartass with a heart of gold. He’s still not much of an action hero, though, as he always finds himself on the losing end of a battle until one of his buddies runs in for the save. Everybody gets their chance to shine in unspectacular fashion, and by the end of Precious Cargo everybody seems content to move on with their lives. Except for the viewing audience, who have to endure credits sequences and a blooper reel for the complete Precious Cargo experience! It was like having a party guest who continues to hang out at your house even though everyone went home a half an hour ago.

This was far from the worst movie I’ve ever seen. It was nowhere near Blackbelt II levels of bad (if you’ve read my review of that disasterpiece, you know that this is faint praise), but it was still a chore to sit through. If you stumble across it on a streaming site or it comes on cable some Saturday afternoon then you can see for yourself, but this is not a movie worth wasting money on. Precious Cargo just refused to rise above other B-movie fare, and it’s because of that that we’ll be finding it buried in bargain bins for years to come.