Bullet Points: Larceny
There may not be another website on the entire global internet that reviews more Dolph Lundgren movies then Bulletproof Action! Since he’s an actor that I’ve followed for most of my life, I’ve got a big appreciation for the man and his choice of career. Having said that, when you watch as many Dolph Lundgren movies as we do you are bound to find several that don’t satisfy like we had hoped. This is one of those.
Synopsis: A DEA-sponsored group of thieves led by Jack (Dolph Lundgren) work their way into a maximum security prison in Northern Mexico in order to steal $20 million from a local cartel leader named “Capitan”. Their plan is good until the cartel finds out they’re in the prison and sends his soldiers after them.
- Posterized: Let’s start with this. I hate it when a movie tries to sound all badass on their poster but then turns out to be as gentle as a little puppy. Just look at that poster above. First off, Dolph is looking really slim and trim in this movie and has nowhere near the massive biceps that he features on this poster. Then it drops its tagline ‘One way in. No way out.’ Sure, that sounds like a really simple way to describe a prison but within the first act of the movie we see Dolph and his team get into the prison in different ways. I hate being lied to.
- It’s Dolph: We’re introduced to Dolph’s character, Jack, while he’s in a Mexican bar watching soccer. I call it soccer because I’m American and we do things a little differently here. It appears that Dolph and I share the same sentiments when it comes to the sometimes boring nature of the action on the pitch.
- Speaking of Introductions: Sweet mother of mercy…Jocelyn Osorio is one hot mamacita! She’s introduced in a scene that reminded me of Megan Fox from the first Transformers film where she opened the hood up and caused millions of boners to poke through the pants of teenagers the world over. Osorio one-ups her by not only being super hot, but by also using a taser on a guy shortly after. Muy caliente!
- Let’s go to prison: Dolph and crew say that have a plan but who the hell knows. He allows himself to get captured and imprisoned. Lucky for him, he gets sent to a prison with a boatload of money hidden in it and finally his plan is revealed. I guess he knew he would be sent to that prison and even though he didn’t tell the rest of his crew, they show up to rescue/thieve with him. It’s not the kind of plan that I would go along with.
- El Capitan: The leader of the cartel whose money is being stolen is known simply as “Capitan”. I kept waiting for him to do some really evil stuff but he ended up being much more honorable (especially for a cartel leader) than any of the thieving good guys. The most villainous thing he does is to employ a bunch of armed bad guys who he eventually sends in after Dolph & Co. when he finds out his money is in danger.
- How about that action: The storyline of the movie should have made for a super action-packed film and there were a few scenes of fighting and gun battles but none of them were done well enough for me to get much enjoyment out of them. Dolph doesn’t move as well as he once did and it might have been because of the direction and stunt crew but the action scenes have no flow and they feel unbelievably slow. It pains me to say that the action was a major negative for the film.
Dolph & Co. might not like my review much, but he’s welcome to use Dolph & Co. when he decides to do a reality series based on his consignment shop in Southern Wyoming. In the meantime, check out these Bonus Bullet Points:
- Man Rule #119: Never interrupt a man getting bathroom stall sex.
- How clever of them to make the crooked politician a “Conservative Republican who wants to build a wall”.
- There is a lot of dialogue between characters that doesn’t add much to the movie. We see Capitan finding a mole in his organization and it feels like the scene drags forever. Corbin Bernsen plays a Fed who has been pulling the strings on Dolph’s whole deal but he doesn’t get more than 15 minutes of screen time.
- Yes Dolph, you are getting too old for this shit.
