It’s Time for Star Trek to Move On

I am in no way, shape, or form a “Trekkie”. I do enjoy most of the shows and have seen all the movies to this point but you won’t see me wearing a Klingon forehead piece and attending the local Trek convention. I do, however, really appreciate the passion that the fan base has for their beloved series and if they’re going to continue to make Star Trek movies then I want them to be something not so shitty. Why put the future of your franchise in the hands of a person who isn’t even a fan? While these recent movies may have made a bunch of money I can’t be the only one who could care less if the characters somehow don’t make it back from their 5 year mission. Disagree with me? ENGAGE!!!

• Where have all the likeable characters gone? I don’t know how anyone could watch these three new Star Trek movies and say that any of the main characters are likeable. I’ve never liked Kirk less and the dude playing Spock is good but just doesn’t make sense that he would be kickin’ it with Uhura if he’s such an ass all the time. Karl Urban is awesome as Bones and Scotty finally has a part that consists of more than looking bloated in a red sweater. Other than those two, I would rather let that kid with the terrible accent be in charge.

• Villains are all just a bunch of weird looking aliens. They had a dimension-traveling Eric Bana in makeup in the first one before replacing him with the British guy from Sherlock Holmes. Then they hired Idris Elba who is soooo hot right now in Hollywood despite not actually making movies that are any good. No matter, all of the villains are just pissy about the Federation and attempting to destroy it in their own stupid ways. Maybe they should come up with some SMART goals in route to their stretch goal of eliminating Earth, or whatever. It’s like getting a puppy before you decide to have a baby.
• Not every movie has to be some big universe-threatening event.  As I said above, let’s make these movies focus a little more on the living characters on screen. I hate how every movie has the same scene in it; crowds of innocent people running away from a crashing spaceship. I know they have insane budgets to work with but I’d like to see a plot that was more focused on just he characters we can see and hopefully care about.
• Less action, more actual diplomacy. I’m certain that the Enterprise is on a diplomatic mission….do they know that? They not only get themselves embroiled in space warfare, usually destroying their ship and most of their crew in the process, but they also fail miserably at using any type of diplomacy whatsoever. I write for an action website so I love action in my movies but that doesn’t mean that Star Trek needs to be Fast and the Furious. For the record, I hate The Fast and the Furious.

• Kirk is a constant crybaby. Has any character ever deserved his station in life less than James T. Kirk? His daddy died on a ship. Well, somewhere there are thousands of children whose parents died under Kirk’s command! He whines in every movie about not knowing who he is or what he should be doing. It’s all unbelievably boring to me.
• Either go forward in time or lose the dumb-looking suits. It’s a good thing that the ship has a limit on the amount of body fat percentage that the crew members can have because they keep making these uniforms tighter and tighter. All these shows that are prequels with obviously much cleaner looking gear is just annoying to me. We all complained about it when the Star Wars prequels came out so why can’t I bitch when the timeline of whatever is going on in the Star Trek movie universe is what it is.
• Stop destroying the Enterprise! Maybe they need to rename this ship. It must be bad luck or something.

• Since when did Star Trek become more about Scotty and Sulu? I get that the world that we live in today is more concerned with equality than good storytelling or character development, but when did the Star Trek movies spend so much damned time focusing on Sulu and Scotty. I barely remember either of them from the original films and now I’m meeting their children and pretending not to know the movie was written by Simon Pegg and recognize that he’s in about 45% of the movie. Riiiight.
• Okay.. .I’ve had enough of this crew. Bring me a new one please. It’s finally time for us to let Kirk, Spock, Bones, and the rest of them go. Sit down and watch The Original Series or The Wrath of Khan if you want to see their adventures. These new movies cannot and will not live up to what they had. There is no CGI equivalent to charisma. The sooner these Hollywood types realize that the better.

Beam me up Simon Pegg, I’m out…