Bullet Points: Death From Above

Despite having a cool-sounding name, a name that clearly should have been used for the Starship Troopers sequel about the mobile infantry that never was, Death From Above is borderline one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. While the story unfolding onscreen is of abysmal quality, counting how many pro wrestlers that appear in the film has to be one of the more fun drinking games I’ve played in a little while. It feels like whoever made this movie just walked into a TNA locker room and started handing out scripts to the first people they ran into. If not for the sheer amount of wrestlers in the movie I most definitely would have turned it off at around 11 minutes. Trust me… It’s not good.

Synopsis: One man stands up to a ancient druid on a quest to rule the world through 1,000 years of darkness.

• Not a cast, but a roster: Kurt Angle, James Storm, Matt Morgan, Rhyno, ODB, and Psycho Sid all make an appearance in Death From Above. Hell, I might have even missed one or two along the way. There are so many wrestlers in this movie that they must have had one hell of a spike in business at the local Waffle House during filming.
• Ancient Conspiracy and what have you: There is some sort of ancient order of Druids that wear strange runes around their necks. That is about the extent of the stupid ass story that most of the movie follows. Kurt Angle’s character gets filled with some evil spirit after reading a tablet that was buried in a hole about 1/4 inch deep in the woods, and then spends the film seeking out the ancient runes that are spread out around this country ass area.

• Cameos: The two major cameos that make it into the movie are Robert Z’Dar and his massive head as an agent of some kind for a metal band, and Tom Savini as the local Sheriff. Z’Dar gets all of 3 minutes on screen before he’s unceremoniously killed and Tom Savini gets one of the saddest deaths in history. Killing Tom Savini off screen is like Ron Jeremy having a fully clothed sex scene. Let the man do what he does best!
• Killing Time: Kurt Angle’s character, whose name is either never mentioned or just unimportant enough not to be remembered, starts looking for the four runes worn by the ancient Druids. I don’t know what they do but someone mentioned 1000 years of darkness and that sounds pretty shitty. Anyways, Angle mostly just kills random people in order to steal their motorcycles, semi-trucks, or trucks but he does it all with a pair of blades that look like they came straight out the glass case at a Hot Topic. I mean, these are some real flea market level knives. They are both horrible and exactly what this movie deserves.

• Sid to the rescue: After appearing a couple of time during the movie and staring at people uncomfortably, the pro wrestler known as Psycho Sid finally shows up at the end to take the demon guy back to whatever realm he came from. I’m not lying when I say that this is the most disappointing finale in the history of film. Sid literally just grabs him by the throat and screams at him until a little pink mouse looking thing slides out of his mouth. I guess this ancient demon is actually a little pink creature that is about he size of a Motorola RAZR. You would think that casting a bunch of brawny wrestlers would make for an awesome fight scene or two by Death From Above is maybe the shittiest wrestler-starring film ever made.

If you’ve made it this far then you can surely read a few more Bullet Points:

• Some girl described Robert Z’Dar as “kinda cute”. What am I watching?
• Kurt Angle hates turtles.
• “I wouldn’t shit you Sheriff, you’re my favorite turd.”
• If you love pro wrestling and/or monster trucks then Death From Above is the movie is for you.
• Poor Kurt Angle… he didn’t deserve that.