Bullet Points: The Incredible Adventures of Marco Polo on His Journey to the Ends of the Earth
Do you like movies based on historical figures? Do you like movies based on historical figures that take liberties with the truth in order to be more entertaining? Do you like movies that successfully show the transition of a soap opera star into an action hero? Do you like movies with recognizable acting legends from action movies of yesteryear? Do you like movies with unnecessarily long and unwieldy titles? If you said yes to all of the questions consider yourself the luckiest person alive because I have a treat for you. I happen to have some Bullet Points for a 1998 sort of true but mostly fictionalized action adventure film about famed explorer Marco Polo that checks the Yes box for all of the above questions. Join me on a journey to a movie about a man and his journey in The Incredible Adventures of Marco Polo on His Journey to the Ends of the Earth.
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Marco… Polo… – I would be shocked if someone out there hasn’t heard of the explorer and trader Marco Polo. His adventures are incredible and he journeyed to the ends of the Earth (or so I have been told.) There have been countless movies, television shows, and swimming pool games based on the man, but only one that features People Magazine’s Sexiest Veteran Soap Actor for 2009. Don Diamont plays the titular hero and it is a shame that so much of his time was taken up with soap operas because he is very believable as a hero and his charisma as a leading man shines and he deserved more action films. It also couldn’t hurt to bring longtime movie actors Oliver Reed (Hired to Kill) and Jack Palance (Gor) along for the ride, could it? Spoiler alert, it doesn’t and the pair might be the two characters who look like they are having the most fun.
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Family Affair – Marco Polo is off from Venice, partly on a trading expedition and partly on a mission to find his missing father who he has reason to believe is in China. Marco hires former Knights Templar Captain Cornelius Donovan (Oliver Reed) and his pack of camels and slaves for his journey. Marco soon discovers his precocious younger brother Nicol has been following the group. Nicol is allowed to stay, as long as he pulls his weight (he has an appointment with some camel dung) and becomes fast friends with one of Donovan’s slaves. The slave teaches Nicol how to fight and become proficient with a slingshot which may or may not become important in the dramatic finale. Spoiler alert, it does.
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Be Thy Own Palance… – Marco and his crew split up with Donovan after reaching Damascus and the incredibly shady Ali Ben Hassad (John Hallam.) Ali Ben Hassad will only give up the money he owes to the Polo family if Marco runs an errand for him. To show good faith, Ali Ben Hassad lends Marco one of his slaves, Youssef (Cas Anvar) and summarily tries to have the Polo party killed. Polo and company survive only to be captured by Beelzebub played masterfully by Jack Palance (I can’t stress how awesome Jack Palance is in this role.) Beelzebub claims to be the devil and rules his kingdom with an iron fist and magic. In prison, Marco meets the lovely Princess Marita (Lara Bobroff) and although she is being forced to marry Beezlebub, you can see some sparks between her and Marco. Beezlebub makes Marco run the Devil’s Gauntlet, which make me like Palance’s character even more. The Devil’s Gauntlet is an elaborate obstacle course that nobody has ever made out alive. Spoiler alert, soon there will be at least one person to make it out alive.
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You Can’t Spell The Incredible Adventures of Marco Polo on His Journey to the Ends of the Earth Without A-C-T-I-O-N – There are several standout action scenes besides top notch Devil’s Gauntlet. There are can’t miss sword fights in a forest, sword fights in a castle, and sword fights in an open field. While not as violent, there is some lovely belly dancers that are a prelude to a fight to the death sword fight for entertainment purposes. I guess that even with the belly dancers that is still pretty violent. You don’t just get sword fights as good old fashioned fist fights are abound. If you like slingshot violence you are in for a treat with Nicol. The stunt work was a real treat with special recognition going to Beelzebub’s ‘I regret nothing’ ending. I would regret not ending a Bullet Points with some Bonus Bullet Points. Spoiler alert, I regret nothing.
Bonus Bullet Points
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Lame Names – You might find The Incredible Adventures of Marco Polo on His Journey to the Ends of the Earth as the shorter The Incredible Adventures of Marco Polo and the even shorter Marco Polo. While those titles make sense, I love a movie title that tells me the Who, What and Where like the original.
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Princess Obvious – As soon as Beezlebub gets done telling everyone that no one has come out of the Devil’s Gauntlet alive, Princess Marita exclaims to Marco, “Be careful, you could be killed!”
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Maptastic – I love a movie that shows travel by having a red line progress on a map.
- If You Ever Wanted to See… Oliver Reed try to manhandle a couple of camels only in turn to have said camels manhandle (camelhandle?) Oliver Reed, then The Incredible Adventures of Marco Polo on His Journey to the Ends of the Earth is for you. Personally, I can’t get enough of the camel riding hijinks.
- How to Get a Camel to Toe the Line – “Will you quit your squealing you flea bitten, foul smelling, mucus spitting, long leg walking butcher shop?!”
- Anacraphobia- The Incredible Adventures of Marco Polo on His Journey to the Ends of the Earth is not a historically accurate film, but if you ignore several anachronisms, which I am sure are present due to the budget and to make the film more entertaining, you will be able to pang-wangle your way through the film.
- Adventures… Plural? – While there are a few adventures (and they are certainly incredible,) the film really is set up like it was going to be an action adventure show. The opening and closing feature an aged Marco (just Don Diamont with a fake beard) in prison telling his tales to fellow prisoners and Marco leaves them with the fact that he has more adventures to tell. So do I, Marco. So do I.
