Movie Kumite: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra vs. Masters of the Universe
When it comes to movies based on toys, Transformers is the undisputed box office champion. The Michael Bay directed films are a cash cow and it looks like there is no end in sight. But I can think of two other beloved toy lines from my youth that did not enjoy the success of Optimus Prime and friends…
There were high hopes for 1987’s Masters of the Universe. He-Man was breaking ground for action figures everywhere being the first to make the leap from the toy aisle to the big screen. Since its release, the movie has achieved cult status, but at the time of its release it was not the box office juggernaut Cannon Films was banking on.
Fast forward more than two decades later, Paramount was looking to duplicate the success of 2007’s Transformers by tapping another Hasbro property in the form of G.I. Joe and in August of 2009, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was released. While it didn’t lose money, the movie was not a runaway hit by any stretch of the imagination and the fan feedback was cause for most of what was established in the 2009 film to be all but forgotten when a sequel was released in 2013.
With so much in common it is only natural that these two films battle it out in the cinematic slugfest we call the Movie Kumite! Let the toy battle begin…
THE SOURCE MATERIAL
Nothing pisses fans off more than when movie adaptations veer from their popular source material. But I believe you have to consider the source…
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra had both a cartoon series and comic book line to pull from and for whatever reason the movie decided to take a huge steaming dump on both of them. Duke and Cobra Commander were once best friends?!?! Duke was in love with Cobra Commander’s sister the Baroness?!?! The whole thing was a convoluted mess when all it needed to be was good guys versus bad guys. Keep it simple!
Masters of the Universe had a cartoon series to pull from as well and like the competition in this Movie Kumite ignored a lot of the elements that the Masters of the Universe cartoon introduced. But unlike the drastic changes that G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra made to their source material, I rather liked the fact that the movie ignored things like the kid friendly comedic elements and He-Man having a secret identity… the movie just let He-Man be He-Man and in this man’s opinion that was the way to go. To me that is one of the things that set He-Man apart from heroes like Superman, Spider-Man, Batman in the first place. So changing the source material is not always a negative, like I said before… consider the source.
G.I. JOE – 0 MASTERS of the UNIVERSE – 1
THE NINJAS
It would have been impossible for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra to include every memorable character that appeared in the G.I. Joe cartoons and comic books over the years, but the producers of the movie had the good sense to include two of the most popular characters from the G.I. Joe universe… Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow! Both characters were equal parts cool, badass and mysterious… traits that come with the territory when you are a freaking ninja! One could easily argue that Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were the highlight of the movie.
Now if Cannon Films taught me anything over the years it is that a movie with ninjas is better than a movie without ninjas, so it is ironic that the Cannon Films produced Masters of the Universe did not include any ninjas. We can probably blame Mattel for that or maybe they were saving the ninjas for the planned sequel that unfortunately never came to fruition.
G.I. JOE – 1 MASTERS of the UNIVERSE – 1
THE HEROIC LEAD
I hold no grudge against Channing Tatum. I would even go so far to say that I thought Channing Tatum did a respectable job portraying Duke in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. But Tatum did not OWN the role. There wasn’t that sense that nobody else in the world could have brought Duke to life. On the contrary, somebody like Chris Pine could have just as easily been Duke and achieved similar results.
But who back in 1987 could have pulled off the role of He-Man other than Dolph Lundgren?!?! The answer is NOBODY. Dolph WAS He-Man. Dolph absolutely owned the role. Dolph’s size, stature and impressive physique allowed him to bring the He-Man character to life and do the character justice.
G.I. JOE – 1 MASTERS of the UNIVERSE – 2
THE VILLAINOUS LEAD
As a huge Destro fan, I should probably have been excited that the Destro character (played by Christopher Eccleston) assumes the role of the lead villain in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, but I wasn’t. Part of what made me love Destro so much in the cartoon was his constant undermining of his employer Cobra Commander. Destro was much more effective as the guy who should probably be running things but wasn’t than he was as the guy actually running things. But instead we get to see Cobra Commander’s origin story and Destro laying the groundwork for what would become Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world.
Masters of the Universe chose to go the logical route and make Skeletor, He-Man’s archnemesis, the main villain in the movie. Not Skeletor’s right hand man, not the man (or woman) who wanted to be in Skeletor’s spot… but Skeletor himself. This was a wise decision as was casting Frank Langella to play the role. Langella brought a great deal of gravitas to the Skeletor role and his performance was the perfect blend of power hungry madman and over the top cartoon villain.
G.I. JOE – 1 MASTERS of the UNIVERSE – 3
THE CRITICS
Film critics were never huge fans of almost anything produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus so it was no surprise when G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra managed to edge out Masters of the Universe on both IMDb and Rotten Tomatoes.
Masters of the Universe has a 5.4 rating on IMDb while G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra has a 5.8 rating.
Masters of the Universe has a 40% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, compared to G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’s 50% approval rating.
Not a huge victories, but victories none the less and the critics have tied this one up!
G.I. JOE – 3 MASTERS of the UNIVERSE – 3
THE END CREDITS
After a power struggle between the forces of good and evil that spanned two planets, Masters of the Universe concludes with a majestic score composed by the one and only Bill Conti of Rocky franchise fame.
Meanwhile as G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra concludes and the evil forces of Cobra have truly risen, the end credits roll and here come the Black Eyed Peas!?!?!
If I want to ponder where the love is in this world of ours or if I ever need to get things started, I turn to the Black Eyed Peas, but the Black Eyed Peas felt really out of place at the end of a G.I. Joe movie. I’m sure there was a Hollywood executive that believed that “Boom Boom Pow” worked because things blew up in the movie and that makes a boom noise so it was a natural fit. That dumb decision just cost G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra this Movie Kumite… Masters of the Universe has the power and the win!
FINAL SCORE: G.I. JOE – 3 MASTERS of the UNIVERSE – 4
