What Not To Watch: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Have you ever heard the phrase ‘so bad it is good’ in reference to a movie? You won’t ever catch me saying that about a movie. While I understand there are films out there that have poor acting and production quality but entertaining stories or vice versa, when a movie is bad it is bad (and Vice Versa is good.) If I enjoy watching a movie with a poor story but the acting is entertaining, than to me it is good. Some people might get some pleasure from the pain of sitting through a movie that is equivalent to suffering from a migraine for 90 plus minutes, but to me that doesn’t seem like that makes a movie worth watching. What happens when a movie is just plain bad? You still have to read about it as we take a look at the 1964 lump of coal that is Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

• Season’s Greetings Synopsis – The fine folks of Mars are worried that Earth television is causing harm to their children. The Martian children are not sleeping and eating because they are distracted by the television programs and especially after watching KID-TV’s live interview with Santa Claus at his North Pole workshop. The Martian wise man Chochem tells the king Martian Kimar that the children need a figure like Santa Claus in order to have fun because Martian life is too structured. The Martians decide that there is no better way to get a Santa Claus like figure than getting the real McCoy and no better way to find the real Santa Claus than by kidnapping a couple of Earth children. An evil Martian Voldar doesn’t agree with the plan and tries to sabotage the stratagem with attempted murder of the children and gumming up Santa’s workshop that provides most of the suspense. Like most Christmas movies, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians has a happy ending with Santa returning to Earth and the Martians having their very own Martian Santa.

• The Garland Good – Santa Claus Conquers the Martians has actors that look like they care. Some might be in silly costumes and the dialogue may be ridiculous, but nobody looks like they are phoning in their performance. Special recognition has to go to John Call as Santa Claus for his classic Santa look and jolly performance. There are so minor fisticuffs and gunplay that I enjoyed because it is mostly Martian on Martian crime. Any film with child actors usually gets hurt with their inexperience, but I will not say anything bad about the kids in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians as they look the part and serve their purpose. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is at least a family friendly film that is suitable for all ages. I can’t suss why you would want to submit your family to a bad movie, but they say misery loves company. (Funny, ‘cause my company loves Misery.)

• The Bauble Bad – When you go into a movie with the title Santa Claus Conquers the Martians you cannot expect a masterpiece. However, the story and dialogue in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians are bad. First of all, Santa does zero conquering of Martians! I want to see Santa with two MAC-10s blasting aliens. Instead we get to see Santa kidnapped (twice if you include the fake Santa kidnapping) and everybody has a happy ending (get your mind out of the gutter) with very little action or adventure. It is hard to say anyone got conquered when everything pretty much ends up the same way it started. If you can say that, I will no longer be catch and release fishing, but I will be conquering fish. It is true I have never seen or read a story about Santa Claus on Mars, but just because it is unique doesn’t mean it is good. There are some jokes that put a smile on my face, but there was also an entire movie that had me fighting off forty winks.

• And The Unwrap Ugly – When you take a look at the costumes from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians you might think that they are ugly. I can’t go that far because I have never seen a Martian in real life and they may very well be humanoids with green paint on their face and mechanical antennae. There is one costume that out uglies the ugly and that is the polar bear that attacks the children at the North Pole. I could hardly bear to watch an actor on all fours wearing a bear suit. (Uh oh, the ugliness is creeping over to already substandard puns.) The only thing that makes the bear suit look good is the laugh out loud unprepossessing appearance of Torg the robot. The sets are definitely ugly, but who am I to judge and be hard on the interior decorating of extraterrestrial life forms? Oh wait, I get paid to review things for a living, so yeah they are ugly. Many might find the evil Voldar to be repugnant, but I find the portrayal of Dropo as a mentally challenged Martian to be the most offensive and disgusting. Dropo ends up playing a major role in the outcome of the story and he gets a happy ending, so at least he has that going for him. Santa is one of the better characters, but even Kris Kringle has his flaws. Old St. Nick doesn’t even know the names of all his reindeer calling one of them Nixon. While I am sure a joke about future U.S. President Richard Nixon was timelier in 1964 I find the joke to be as useful as tits on a bull.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a bad film. The sad thing is I really enjoy each aspect on its own. Santa Claus seems like a cool dude, nothing beats a peaceful morning conquering fish, and who doesn’t love little green aliens. When you put them all together it just doesn’t work. While there are some aspects that have some value, I can’t imagine anyone that would enjoy watching Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. I can’t image ending this review without gifting some Bonus Bullet Points that everyone will enjoy.

• What To Watch – If you really want to watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians your best bet is to take a gander at the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode.
• Easy PZ – The young girl Martian Girmar was an early role for actress and singer Pia Zadora. I have always enjoyed Pia Zadora’s role as herself in Naked Gun 33⅓: The Final Insult.
• Spell You Later – The opening credits have the incredibly fun “Hooray for Santa Claus” that somehow is not a Christmas music standard. Sadly, the movie gets the song wrong by spelling out S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S during the song but telling us that it spells Santy Claus. Don’t believe me? Stick around for the end credits because they include the lyrics.
• ‘Zat You, Santa Claus? – The most accurate quote award goes to, “All this trouble over a fat man in a red suit.”