Movie Kumite: Iron Eagle vs. The Rescue
The 1980’s were a fantastical time in film… mannequins were coming to life, vampires were moving next door, ghosts were being busted in New York City, a stranded extraterrestrial ate Reese’s Pieces while he waited for his friends to return and a 65 year old Rodney Dangerfield enrolled in college.
But of all the wildly imaginative premises from the 1980’s, the least believable saw teenagers rescuing their fathers from military prisons. The fact that there was more than one movie with that premise is even more unbelievable.
In this edition of our cinematic slugfest known as the Movie Kumite, 1986’s Iron Eagle will go toe-to-toe with 1988’s The Rescue in a battle of the teenage titans…
TEEN TITANS
JJ Merrill (Kevin Dillon) and Doug Masters (Jason Gedrick) probably have more differences than they do similarities. Both are gutsy guys not lacking in the confidence department. Both come from military families, with JJ being the son of a Navy SEAL commander and Doug being the son of an Air Force colonel… but that is where the similarities end.
If we are comparing their family situation, Doug clearly has it better than JJ… Doug’s parents aren’t divorced, he has a strong bond with his father and his home life is good. The same can’t be said for JJ who comes from a broken home and has a tenuous relationship with his dad. Outside the home Doug also has a strong support system of friends and a girlfriend, while JJ is a loner who sneaks off base and stays out after curfew hanging around some unsavory characters. But one could easily argue this is all a result of JJ’s less than stellar home life.
Neither JJ and Doug chose their lot in life so it would be unfair for me to use their personal situations as criteria for who was the better teenage hero… so I will base this solely on their resourcefulness.
JJ had a hard time procuring a boat. The boat was already in the water and even pointing in the direction that JJ needed to go in and he almost did not get the boat. Meanwhile, Doug Masters managed to “borrow” TWO fully loaded F-16’s and fly them half way around the world! Doug gets shit done and he scores first for Iron Eagle!
IRON EAGLE – 1 THE RESCUE – 0
THE MENTORS
Now it would be ridiculous to believe that these teenagers could pull off these death defying rescue missions without a little adult supervision and both movies do feature a mentor character… but Iron Eagle features the greatest mentor a person could probably ask for in the form of Col. Charles “Chappy” Sinclair. Chappy was played expertly by the Academy Award winning Louis Gossett Jr. and the character was so beloved he was brought back for three Iron Eagle sequels.
Does it really matter who the mentor was in The Rescue if he is going up against Chappy Sinclair?!? The answer is no, no it doesn’t.
IRON EAGLE – 2 THE RESCUE – 0
KID BROTHERS
Doug Masters’ kid brother Matt (played by Bobby Jacoby or is it Robert Jayne?!) was not as useless as Doug’s kid sister (who I don’t think is even credited and in the TV cut of the movie her existence is all but erased), but Matt Masters still serves little purpose in the grand scheme of things.
The same can not be said for Ian Michael Giatti’s character Bobby Howard in The Rescue. Bobby is the younger brother of Shawn Howard, the rival and reluctant partner of JJ Merrill on this rescue mission to North Korea and despite Shawn telling Bobby he needed to stay home, Bobby basically told his older brother to blow it out of his ass and he inserts himself into the mission. Good thing too… because in the end Bobby and his “Born in the U.S.A.” t-shirt save the entire mission.
IRON EAGLE – 2 THE RESCUE – 1
VILLAINS
Iron Eagle had a villain who was easy to hate, Minister of Defense Col. Akir Nakesh (played by David Suchet, and I am still working under the assumption that his last name is pronounced SUCK IT!) Nakesh was an egomaniac, he had no desire to negotiate with the United States and wanted to make an example out of Col. Ted Masters who he had wrongfully imprisoned.
The Rescue did not really spotlight one villain and instead went with North Korea as an evil entity. But at least The Rescue had the guts to pick an actual country in the world and not make up a Middle Eastern country named Bilyad like Iron Eagle did.
All things considered, the point gets split this round.
IRON EAGLE – 2.5 THE RESCUE – 1.5
WHO’S YOUR DADDY?
While The Rescue actually had three dads who were imprisoned in North Korea, for the purposes of our discussion we will be looking at JJ Merrill’s father played by Edward Albert and Doug Masters’ dad played by Tim Thomerson.
Now I am not sure if I would piss on Edward Albert if he was on fire, but Tim Thomerson is a guy I would walk through hell for. And I think that about says it all for this round.
IRON EAGLE – 3.5 THE RESCUE – 1.5
THE CRITICS
It is now time to consult two of the most respected movie related websites on the Internet to weigh in on our spirited contest…
The Rescue has a rating of 5.4, edging out Iron Eagle’s 5.3 by the narrowest of margins.
The Rescue has a 69% approval raging on Rotten Tomatoes. Iron Eagle has a 52% Rotten Tomatoes approval rating.
IRON EAGLE – 3.5 THE RESCUE – 3.5
BOOGIE DOWN BONUS ROUND
And we are all tied up… that means I have no choice but to go to the ultimate tie breaker and call for a Boogie Down Bonus Round.
Much like Doug Masters’ friends helped him save his dad in Iron Eagle, Doug’s friend Reggie (Larry B. Scott) is about to help Doug Masters and Iron Eagle win this edition of the Movie Kumite thanks to the prom scene where Reggie and his girlfriend show the rest of the school how it is done on the dance floor.
FINAL SCORE: IRON EAGLE – 4.5 THE RESCUE – 3.5
