MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!!!!!

I really hope that Mortal Kombat theme is slamming in your head right now.

The 90’s were a most excellent time for me. I played video games, shot at shit with my BB gun, and generally did whatever I wanted. I didn’t carry around an ID or a giant cell phone, and there was no fear of getting shot by police because I was walking around my neighborhood with toy guns strapped all over my body like Billy Connolly in The Boondock Saints.

Sadly, the world has changed. The video games and movies are more tame for the kids; even though we were the ones who played and watched them and blaming everyone except for the parents has become the norm. Back then I could walk around dressed as a ninja as much as I wanted but now I’d probably be labeled a “black KKK member” or something. People today might not be nearly as cool as we were back then (we are talking 25 years ago) and us kids who grew up in the late 80’s and early 90’s are the ones raising our children to be little brats now but it doesn’t mean that we still can’t have nice things. Case in point:

Mortal Kombat was a mind-shatteringly awesome game and a perfectly acceptable movie a couple of years later. One might say that the budget got in the way of a good movie but there were definitely plenty of positives to go along with the very noticeable negatives of the film. In an effort to re-live some of the joy I got out of seeing Mortal Kombat in theaters when I was a kid, join me in my recasting of the classic martial arts video game masterpiece to film edition of Mortal Kombat: 2018.

IT HAS BEGUN!!!!!!!!

Daniel Wu as Liu Kang

All you have to do is watch Into the Badlands and you’ll recognize that Wu just might have the power to stand up against the invading forces of Outworld. Liu Kang is a very important part of any story as heavy as this one and Wu can easily carry both the fight scenes and the emotional weight of having all of Earth depending on you.

Amy Johnston as Sonya Blade

She may be more well known as a stuntwoman extraordinaire but she starred in 2016’s Lady Bloodfight which was essentially a female Mortal Kombat. She can kick some serious tail and is even hotter than Pete Sampras’ wife. She also has a pretty cool YouTube channel focusing on martial arts, fitness, and stunting.

Scott Adkins as Johnny Cage

Linden Ashby did a pretty good job in Mortal Kombat but Adkins is a master on the screen and you can’t make a movie about people getting their asses kicked without putting him in it. You could easily use Adkins as Johnny Cage or maybe even Kano if you wanted. He killed it as Yuri Boyka in the Undisputed movies, no doubt. Hell, just let him play both roles!

Sammo Hung as Raiden

There is no reason that Raiden can’t be an old Chinese dude. Sammo Hung can still move better than most of the “action stars” in Hollywood and I really want to see him tutor Daniel Wu in the ways of kicking ass. Raiden also has some wicked lightning powers so he doesn’t have to be the one putting on 5 star fights. Let Hung speak softly and carry a big stick.

Yayan Ruhian as Shang Tsung

I don’t really know if my man can act the part of Shang Tsung but he would most definitely give us some unbelievable fight scenes. Ruhian was one of the standouts of the 2011 film The Raid: Redemption. He isn’t a big guy but Shang Tsung isn’t the type of villain to defeat you with his incredible size and strength.

Bren Foster as Kano

Not only is Foster an excellent martial artist but he’s also Australian! I don’t believe the original character of Kano was meant to be from the island but Trevor Goddard was so damned good at the role that they changed the backstory for the character moving forward. Watch Foster in some of his excellent fight reels and you’ll agree with me that he has what it takes.

Nathan Jones as Goro

If you absolutely, positively need a gigantic dude to growl and beat the hell out of nameless bystanders then you need to hire Nathan Jones. The man is a genetic freak! You’ve seen him fight Tony Jaa, go up against Mad Max in Fury Road, and get killed by Brad Pitt in Troy. If he’s anything, he’s consistent. As Goro, he would kill some random dudes, look intimidating, and then die at the hands of a hero. What more could you want?

What do you think? Should I get $100 million from a big studio and just do this on my own? Who would you like to see recast if they ever get around to rebooting this franchise?