Bullet Points: The Lone Road

There a couple of things a filmmaker can do to guarantee to get me to watch their movie. A strong female protagonist will always pique my interest. Crafting a taut action film without superfluous storylines is a must. With these two aspects in mind, I am upset that the 2016 film The Lone Road snuck by my action radar. The action thriller has everything I like, Denise Woelpern as Elizabeth, the protagonist who is in the classic situation of seeing something she shouldn’t have seen, that storyline is so familiar we don’t need any other information allowing The Lone Road to clock in at 84 minutes. Genius! If these facts are arousing your interest join me, because although sometimes it is fun to do it alone, a group is usually more fun on a journey down The Lone Road.

• Road to Nowhere – We first meet Elizabeth as she is regaling a waitress, Jules (Lexi Moeller), at a diner with her recent history, namely she found her boyfriend cheating on her, lost her job and is now traveling the open road. Elizabeth heads to a local motel and after getting some advice about avoiding room one, we later learn about the hotel clerk using a peephole to spy on the occupants, she unknowingly ends up next door to Dr. Goode (Jeffrey Kaye) and a prostitute. Elizabeth must not have felt like paying for the pay-per-view porn (or maybe with her cash payment, incidentals weren’t covered) because she ends up watching the good doctor and his hooker having fun. Of course, things turn south when Dr. Goode chokes out the hooker and notices that Elizabeth saw him kill the pro. We soon find out that this wasn’t the first time Goode has killed a prostitute as he has a thing for putting his hands around their throats and sometimes bad things just happen.

• Highway to Hell – So what do you do when you see a murder? Get the hell out of there without calling the cops of course. That is exactly what Elizabeth does and it is like she knew the local sheriff would be in on the murder. Sheriff Taggart (Vaughn Green) is not only dirty, he also happens to be the brother-in-law to Dr. Goode. Taggart pulls over and apprehends Elizabeth, taking her to the middle of the desert so Dr. Goode can strangle her to death (remember his throat predilection.) Elizabeth is able to escape by going with the classic ‘kick a man in the nuts’ move. Elizabeth is on the run and goes to Jules for help. All of a sudden The Lone Road isn’t so lonely because Elizabeth and Jules make one formidable team. Realizing that with dirty cops, the only way to stop Dr. Goode is to stop him themselves.

• Street Life – Speaking of the Goode family, they are one crazy bunch. We already know about Goode’s murderous ways and his sorry brother-in-law, but his wife is no picnic either. Loretta is the classic self-centered gold digger who is all about murdering any witnesses that will keep her gravy train husband out of jail. The worst (or truthfully the best if you are talking about pure entertainment) of the bunch is Dr. Goode’s father, known just as Dad (Roger Brown.) We first meet Dad as he is sitting alone in an empty attic rubbing himself. He is a kind of the guru of sexual depravity for Dr. Goode and everything that comes out of his mouth is crazy but hilarious in a disgusting way. Dr. Goode also uses two bikers with the unique names of Toto and The Nub to track down Elizabeth. The Nub is one of the all-time great character names, and as he so eloquently puts it, it is not because he is missing any fingers but because he has a teeny weenie. Toto is the brains behind the operation as The Nub is kind of slow mentally and used for comic relief, even though I felt kind of bad laughing at the handicapped. Toto and The Nub are violent pair and play a very important role in the outcome of The Lone Road.

• Electric Avenue – The Lone Road has some of the pretty unbelievable situations that Elizabeth and Jules must overcome once they are on the mission to stop Goode. First their car gets sabotaged and they soon get abducted by another sicko that wants to rape the pair. Elizabeth ends up killing him before he can get his jollies. Next, while wondering the vast expanse of the desert, the first house they run into just happens to be the homestead of the Goode family and they get captured again, this time with Goode trying to rape Elizabeth. This leads to another escape and finally a showdown in the desert. Or does it? There are at least two fake out endings and an awesome post credits scene. However, the most unbelievable situation is Jules getting shot and being down for two minutes then back up and running like nothing happened. I guess it is possible they didn’t show the scene were Jules and Elizabeth stopped the bleeding, but I had more red on my shirt at the BPA company picnic when the ketchup squirted out the wrong end after biting into my burger.

The Lone Road is not a unique story with the main character being in the wrong place at the wrong time only to flip the script on the pursuers. The fact that we have seen the story before works very well for The Lone Road as the focus is on the very interesting characters and exciting hardships we get to witness, it basically one harrowing action set piece after another. The Lone Road is filled with actors that you probably haven’t seen too much but this again works well as there are no preconceived notions about the ability and craziness of the characters. If you can’t get enough of the The Lone Road I have some Bonus Bullet Points which once again works well because this is the end of The Lone Road Bullet Points. 

• Familiar Director – The Lone Road was written and directed by Christopher Krueger whom you may remember from his writing and directing of the 2014 female biker gang flick Asphalt Angels.
• Best Quote – After hitting Dr. Goode in the head with a lamp, Elizabeth quips, “Lights out.” She is so proud of this line that she tells Jules all about it later in the movie.
• If You Ever – wanted to see an old man enjoy getting kicked in the balls so much that he exclaims, “crack my walnuts” then The Lone Road is for you.
• Honest Quote – “They may be fucktards, but they get the job done.”
• Best Jingle – “The music stinks, they water the drinks, but you can do a shot of rum off a girl’s bum. Only at Miss Fifi’s.”
• Worst Quote – “Somebody whacked this mofo.” Hearing Jules use the term mofo during a life and death situation seemed out of place.