Bullet Points: Camp Cucamonga

There is just something about action movies with an all-star cast that get the juices flowing. With all the hype surrounding the movies, the audience usually ends up with disappointment. The Expendables was a touch on the boring side (but they fixed some issues with the sequels,) Showdown in Manila only had the major team up for a small portion and was really a Nevsky/Van Dien buddy cop movie, and Battle Drone lacks the star power of the other two. Luckily for all of you, I happen to have some Bullet Points for a 1990 action film that happens to be anything but boring and provides major team ups of some of the biggest television stars that you will ever see. Don’t forget the bug spray because it is time to check out the zaniest, most hilarious summer vacation ever, Camp Cucamonga.

• Check out the roster 80s and 90s TV goodness that comprises some of the campers and staff (who also check every stereotype box) that the audience gets introduced to in the opening of Camp Cucamonga during the bus ride to the camp.
• Driving the school bus is Ava (Jennifer Aniston, Friends.) That is right, if you ever wanted to see Jennifer Aniston drive a school bus, you can die in peace after watching Camp Cucamonga. Did I mention that Jennifer Aniston spends a lot of time in her bikini top?
• The campers include the snobby Amber (Candace Cameron Bure, Full House,) the rocker Lindsey (Danica McKellar, The Wonder Years,) the wanna be lothario Dennis (Jaleel White, Family Matters,) the heartthrob Frankie (Chad Allen, Our House,) the nerd Max (Josh Saviano, The Wonder Years,) and the bully Cody (Breckin Meyer, Blast.)  There are a few other stereotypes aboard, like the jock, hippie, fat kid and valley girl, but all played by relative nobodies.
• If that is not enough, during the opening drive we, and everyone on the bus, are introduced to motorcycle riding camp counselor Roger (Brian Robbins, Head of the Class.)
• Camp Cucamonga simply has one of the greatest collections of talents you will ever find in an action movie, and we haven’t even gotten to the big name stars that weren’t on the bus.

• Camp Cucamonga is run by Ava’s father Colonel Marvin Schector (John Ratzenberger, Cheers) and his wife Millie (Dorothy Lyman, Mama’s Family.)
• Lindsey’s mother, only known as Mrs. Scott (Lauren Tewes, The Love Boat) is getting a divorce which is a major impetus for much of the action and suspense in Camp Cucamonga.
• Marvin soon fires handyman Virgil (Patrick Thomas O’Brien, whom I always remember as the hockey loving Uncle in Airborne) because he is not getting the job done for the camp with a big inspection near.
• The new handyman is Herbert Himmel (Sherman Hemsley, The Jeffersons) but since he came straight from a wedding, Marvin mistakes the suit wearing Herbert to be the camp inspector.

• The real inspector Howard Sloan (the Watergate Scandal’s own G. Gordon Liddy) shows up looking all disheveled after his car breaks down and you guessed it, Marvin mistakes him for the handyman.
• Giving Herbert the VIP treatment and treating Howard like pond scum is a good way to get your camp certification denied, which is exactly what happens to Marvin and Camp Cucamonga.
• There is a plenty of innocent love stories and conflicts happening with the campers and counselors, but this is an action movie website.
• Roger provides lots of the fun action with his dirt bike, especially when he let’s Wendy (Melanie Shatner, yes William’s daughter) take a turn behind the controls.
• The Battle of the Bunks provides an action packed montage with swimming, paddle boarding, pie eating, volleyball, barrel racing and softball.
• If you want to see John Ratzenberger comically end up in lake by falling through a dock or by substandard golf cart driving skills, you might want to watch Camp Cucamonga.
• The kids at Camp Cucamonga surprisingly have some crazy good jet ski moves.
• Would anyone like to see a scene featuring someone puking right on top of poor Max’s head? Yes, please!
• In order to save Camp Cucamonga the campers come up with the idea to create a rap video?!?!
• Sure, why not. Especially when the idea of rap video comes from Lindsey, she of the Cinderella and Metallica posters and Motley Crüe t-shirts.
• It ends up being the single greatest rap video of all time (with a little assistance from Young MC’s “Bust a Move.”) and catches the eye of the head of the camp certification Thornton Bradley (Richard Herd, Seinfeld.)
• I hope this doesn’t spoil the movie, but Camp Cucamonga ends up being saved (thanks in part to the epic rap video) and all the character conflicts get nicely wrapped up within the 93 minute runtime.

Camp Cucamonga has one of the greatest collections of television talent in the history of action films. Getting to see the characters play against type is an added bonus. D.J. as a stuck-up bitch! Winnie as tough chick, with Paul trying to hit on her! (What would Kevin think!) And Steve as a rapping ladies’ man! (Pre-Stefan natch.) There is enough fun action action and laughs that make Camp Cucamonga a fun ride. I can’t properly describe how great the music video is so you will just have to watch for yourself, although I recommend you check the entirety of Camp Cucamonga. Did I mention Jennifer Aniston in a bikini top? Camp Cucamonga is so much fun that I am going to do something that doesn’t happen very much and give you a few more Bullet Points that I like to call Bonus Bullet Points.

• Best Face Quotes – “Pick on someone your own size, buttface.” “You are just lucky you are a chick” and the retort, “not if the dudes look like you, scuzz face.”
• Uncomfortable Scene of the Week – There was something a little off-putting of watching underage girls in a group shower with underage boys trying to surreptitiously videotape. And by off-putting, I mean I almost put off the movie because it is so inappropriate. However, I did enjoy the girls singing “You Can’t Hurry Love” because those boys and girls will just have to wait, love don’t come easy.
• Best Quote that Doubles as an Advertisement for a Short Lived 80s Horror Anthology Series – “You expect me to have a romantic dinner with Freddy’s Nightmares around?”
• Uncomfortable Quote – “When we get these babes in the forest, it is gonna be nasty.” Out of the mouths of babes…
• Best Literal Moment – When trapped in the woods, the campers use Amber’s stockings to catch fish. If they weren’t when she took them off, they now are definitely fishnet stockings. Get it!
• Unforgettable Gag – There is a running gag with Marvin telling everyone what Cucamonga means, but it is a different meaning from a different Native American language every time.