Bullet Points: Crank: High Voltage
If you’re anything like me then you sometimes spend more time looking for a movie to watch then you do actually watching them. I normally scroll through the same old movies, the ones that I’ve seen before BPA began and the ones that don’t exactly move the needle for me. Crank: High Voltage is a flick that I think I watched years ago when it was released. To be honest, it’s so similar to the first film that I may have never even watched it. But, I was incredibly entertained by the first Crank so having a sequel that uses many of the same tropes isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Synopsis: Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) survives falling from a helicopter at the end of Crank only to wake up and realize that Chinese Triads have taken his heart and are planning on harvesting the rest of his organs. Chev learns that his new temporary heart needs constant voltage to keep it from stopping so he sets off on a blood-soaked quest to get back his ticker.
- The Return: Did anyone watch Crank back in 2006 and not expect the possibly unkillable Chev Chelios to return? The end of the first film saw Chelios crashing back to earth after battling with some bad guys high up in a helicopter. Well, as you expected, Chev is back and now his body is going through even more extreme danger. The Triads get a hold of Chelios and start harvesting his organ for their 100 year old leader. Whether it was a good idea or not, they start with his massive heart with his dong looking to be next on the list. Their biggest mistake was leaving Chelios alive enough to kill everyone in the room and chase down the man carrying around his pumper.
- Triad ingenuity: The mob game sure has come a long way. Not only do the Triads know all about Chev Chelio’s health history, but they also have access to some pretty amazing doctors. I guess I don’t know how amazing they are but they at least succeed in removing Chev’s heart and replacing it with the fake ticker that keeps him from dying during the movie. They do lose some points, however, when you see how they transport the good heart around.
- Expert interrogator: Chev is many things; great at cursing, excellent at killing, and unbelievable at surprise sex. He’s also very open to new and exciting interrogation methods. At one point, he gets tired of just putting a gun to man’s head and instead lubes up a shotgun and rams the barrel up the guy’s bunghole. The human puppet is like putty in his hands. There isn’t enough lube in the world to make that comfortable.
- Kevin Costner: As we saw in Crank, Jason Statham’s role in the series is to essentially kill his way to the final boss like an old SEGA Genesis game. That is the perfect action movie for an actor such as Statham and an even better arc for a character like Chev Chelios. We don’t need any more backstory about his past then we get and we really don’t get much. Chelios is surrounded by enemies, which doesn’t make him a hero, by any means. He’s the lesser of two evils. The only thing missing from the series (so far) is a cool looking leather jacket.
- The most shocking ways to get shocked: If he doesn’t keep his artificial heart beating then he’s a goner. Chelios has to get creative after his battery pack gets busted and we’re treated to some unique scenes. Getting tasered by the Police was a no-brainer, and grabbing some electrical boxes/wires seems like a bit much but it works. My favorite, and probably yours too, has to be when the idea of friction gets tossed his way. It ends up with Chev and his lady Eve (Amy Smart) putting on a show for all the degenerates at the Hollywood Park Racetrack. Let’s just say the two of them put on a rodgerin’ clinic with at least half a dozen different positions.
- A Mexican standoff: The movie, like every Double Dragon video game, ends with the faceoff with the main boss at his compound. Crank 2 adds in about 30 other guys and gals as canon fodder and Chelios and his friends make mincemeat of the bad guys. Oh yeah, one of the guys is just a head… so there’s that too.
The Verdict: You can’t keep a bad man down. Chev Chelios is the Stone Cold Steve Austin of action movies. He is definitely not a good guy but you just can’t keep from cheering for him. Statham seems perfect for the role and the directing duo of Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor appear to be the ideal candidates for putting together a film full of nudity, crazy amounts of violence, and the type of pace that will wear you out on a lazy Sunday. I don’t think this sequel lit the world on fire in terms of box office gross but there isn’t a need for a massive budget and I would think that someone besides me wants to see a third film in this series. Crank: High Voltage is the perfect movie if you’re looking for pure action without any wasted time. Just don’t let your kids hang out while you’re watching it.
