Bullet Points: Doom (2005)

I’ve never been a big gamer. I remember games like Doom and Quake being popular but I never had a computer fast enough nor was I dorky enough to sit around playing PC games when I could be out causing trouble. Don’t get me wrong, there are some cool games. Pitfighter was top notch, and that demo version I had of Age of Empires gave me days of enjoyment, but I was far more likely to sit around watching Predator and Aliens in a back to back session than I was to post up on a computer for some gaming.

Synopsis: Space Marines are sent to investigate strange events at a research facility on Mars but find themselves at the mercy of genetically enhanced killing machines.

• I promise this isn’t Stargate: A narration tells us that an ancient ark is found that transports people to Mars. I’m sure that sort of thing happens all the time…What we aren’t told much about, is how the future scientists of the world have been studying the thing for twenty years and are only just now weaponizing it. If I know anything about the human race, it is that we are bound and determined to kill each other and we’ll do it with any combination of weaponry that we can find. Give us twenty years on Mars and we’ll have all sorts of Martian killing tools.

• Rapid Response Tactical Squad: The RRTS is filled with some of the most delightful stereotypes. Sarge (Johnson) is the leader, Grim Reaper (Karl Urban) is a second in command, and the rest of the squad is filled out with guys named Goat, Duke, The Kid, and some chode named Portman. I love a good military stereotype and Doom has about all of them. They’re great because they can introduce characteristics of someone without needing to give them a lot of screen time. It works great for the aforementioned Kid and Portman but most of the guys end up just being the vanilla soldiers that don’t stand a chance in a movie like this .
• Not rapid enough: These guys may have “Rapid” in the name but this movie is not quick to get to the action. It felt like it was halfway through before something got killed.
• The sneakiest creatures in all the galaxy: Speaking of killing, it seems the preferred method of killing for these Doom creatures is to sneak up on people and start flinging them around like rag dolls. It makes it easier since 90% of the film is shot with hardly any light. It’s annoying to squint for 90 minutes but it’s even more annoying when you have to wait over an hour to get a good look at one of these monsters.

• The Destroyer: Big and strong Deobia Oparei, who you may have seen recently starring in Game of Thrones as Areo Hotah, plays one of the Marines by the call sign “Destroyer”. We have to assume that he got the name from doing something destructive but we don’t get the opportunity to witness it in action. He does carry around a massive futuristic minigun looking thing but I can’t recall him doing anything more than pulling on the charging handle a few times. He finally gets the spotlight when it’s his turn to get snuck up on by the massive creatures. At first, Destroyer looks to be just another victim of the ghoulish beasts but he then gets to his feet and starts beating the crap out of the thing. Finally we get to see the Destroyer do what brought him to the game! But, just as in life, nothing good ever lasts.
• FPS: The movie finally decides to take a page from the game it’s based on and has one whole scene that looks familiar to game fans. It apparently took 14 days to film the sequence which is astounding as Hardcore Henry was basically a dude wearing a GoPro and it lasted for 90 minutes.

• Pinky Demon: One of the things old-school Doom fans will remember are the demons that were so lovingly called “pinky demons” from the original game. Some unimaginative prick gave them the name because they were demons who were the color pink. 2005’s Doom shows off its own pinky demon but this one is a slight departure from the game.

The Verdict: The Rock has made so many movies to this point that Doom doesn’t even rate in his top 15. It’s a little sad because I love movies like this. It’s possible that Doom could have been much better if they hadn’t been handcuffed to the game the little that they were. Most of the movie only slightly resembles the game and I think a straight up actioner without all the forced story could have been much better. The swerve that comes late was fine and some of the action scenes were delightfully graphic but ultimately the movie fails to do the one thing that the game has even done with me; be remembered. I know I’ve seen Doom before a few days ago but I couldn’t remember squat about it. The bad far outweighs the good. I’ll pass on Doom and just watch Aliens instead.