Bullet Points: Hollywood Vice Squad

I could not tell you how many times I started streaming a movie and made it only a few minutes in before turning it off and trying something else. The reasons for turning off a movie a few minutes in can vary… video quality, a name in the opening credits or a poorly acted/crafted opening scene have been to blame at one time or another.

But then there are movies like 1986’s Hollywood Vice Squad that start off with Chang, an undercover cop played by Evan C. Kim of The Dead Pool  fame, driving down Hollywood Boulevard looking to bust some hookers. Chang’s cover is a horny Asian man named Long Wang looking for love in all the wrong places. Chang is method actor of sorts and before he is even ready to pull over, he finds himself singing a song while he drives, a song that went a little something like this… “Come on bay rub me all night long. Come on baby sit on my schlong”. What transpires next is a drag queen prostitute pulling a switchblade on our undercover cop, a high speed chase that involves driving on the sidewalk and a brawl in a swimming pool!

And with that Hollywood Vice Squad had my attention. If the movie started off that way, where the hell could it go next!?!?

• Storyline A: There are several storylines that comprise Hollywood Vice Squad, but the main story is that of Pauline Stanton, a mother who ventures to Los Angeles to find her daughter who had left their home in the Midwest to become a big Hollywood star. Pauline (Trish Van Devere, Messenger of Death) speaks to Captain Jensen of the Hollywood Vice Squad (played by Ronny Cox, Total Recall). Pauline has information that her daughter Lori (Robin Wright in her first feature film) had been working with a man named James Walsh (Frank Gorshin, Batman: The Movie). Captain Jensen knows James Walsh all too well… Walsh runs Pretty Girl Escorts and has a reputation for preying on young girls like Lori, who are looking to become famous, getting them hooked on drugs and then turning them into prostitutes. Captain Jensen makes this case a top priority and assigns it to his best undercover detective, Hawkins (Leon Isaac Kennedy, Lone Wolf McQuade). Can the Hollywood Vice Squad reunite Lori with her mother?

• Storyline B: The secondary storyline revolves around a rookie vice cop, Betty Melton (Carrie Fisher, The Empire Strikes Back), looking to make a name for herself… unfortunately for her, her ambition is rubbing people the wrong way, she is stepping on toes and acting like a seasoned vet when in fact, as Captain Jensen so eloquently put it, she doesn’t know shit from Shinola. When Betty wants to take down a pornographer who is using underage talent… she is forced to swallow her pride and work with two veteran vice squad detectives. Can Betty earn their respect and become the top notch vice cop she knows she can be?

• Storylines C and D: There are two other subplots jammed into Hollwood Vice Squad… Detectives Daley (Ben Frank, Death Wish II) and Tank (H.B. Haggerty, Battle Creek Brawl) find themselves working with a local bookie named Jesse (Julius Harris, Live and Let Die) in hopes of bringing down some New York mobsters that are looking to muscle in on the west coast gambling scene…. And lets not forget Chang and his partner Stevens (Joey Travolta, Beverly Hills Cop III) and their ongoing war on prostitution. Surely all these individual stories are going to intersect for a huge Hollywood Vice Squad finale right?

Hollywood Vice Squad throws a lot of stuff against the wall and to its credit most of it sticks. The assortment of cops featured made it tough for there to be one standout hero, but there is no need to solve a riddle to figure out who the chief creep of the movie is… Frank Gorshin absolutely stole the show as the perverse exploiter James Walsh!

For a movie that does not take itself too seriously, there were some seriously awesome action scenes in Hollywood Vice Squad, with Chang and Stevens trying to stop some street scum that has hijacked a Hollywood Fantasy Tour Bus being the best.

Let me take a page from Hollywood Vice Squad and throw some Bonus Bullet Points up against the wall and see what sticks…

• Familiar Faces: Beau Starr (The Perfect Weapon) plays James Walsh’s loyal right hand man, Farber… Robert Miano (Guardian Angel) plays Luchessi, the guy working with the New York mob and hassling the bookies of Los Angeles… Last and certainly not least, Phil Rubenstein (Robocop II) plays a homicide detective in a movie already overflowing with cops.
• Out of Context Quote: ” I have the best looking young pussy you ever saw.” – James Walsh
• If You Ever: …wanted to see a man wear a light up dildo named Mike on his junk, then this is the movie for you.
• Personal Question: “What do you call your ass?” – Betty Melton