5 Questions: The Predator
I recently had a conversation with my friend and longtime Bulletproof Action supporter, Paul London, about The Predator… a film that I reviewed and enjoyed.
Paul’s take on The Predator was on the opposite side of the spectrum from mine… to say that Paul hated The Predator would be putting it mildly. As Paul was venting his vitriol for the film at me, raising some valid questions along the way, I couldn’t help but think that I was experiencing one of my favorite Bulletproof Action features come to life before my very eyes… Paul London was writing a 5 Questions and he didn’t even know it!
I now proudly present a first in Bulletproof Action history… Paul London’s 5 Questions about The Predator as told to me, Chris The Brain.
1. Since when are biologists trained in the art of war?
Are we supposed to believe that biologist Casey Bracket (played by Olivia Munndane) also happens to be combat trained and is as good if not better than guys who actually served in the military!? One minute she is a biologist, the next she starts shooting guns and JUMPING ONTO A MOVING BUS! It is unbelievable.
Think about it, why can we believe the first two films in the Predator franchise? Why can we allow ourselves to WILLINGLY go along for those rides and let them take us where ever they may?? Because they were supremely written and directed and cast. I refuse to believe The Predator was written and directed by the same guy who did The Nice Guys (which I loved).
2. Is Rory’s mom the worst mom ever?
Rory’s mom, Emily, let her kid (who has special needs) go trick or treating… BY HIMSELF! Stupidest shit ever.
Of course, Rory does EVERYTHING by himself, which for a special needs kid is remarkable and for a “caring parent”, disgraceful! No friends, gets home from school by himself, plays upstairs in the attic for seemingly hours after opening a MILITARY LINKED PACKAGE which the “delivery guy” GLADLY LEFT to a CHILD!? And what was with that STUUUUUPID SCENE where Rory puts all the chess pieces back in the classroom? All he did was put the pieces on the board, wasn’t like he figured out the keys to all their separate victories… the bullies clearly knocked all the pieces off the boards, only to have Rory pick em up and put them back… set to a GOOD WILL HUNTING like montage.
Bonus Rory Question: Does Rory have the worst teacher ever?
The writers and director have obviously NEVER BEEN IN A FIRE DRILL! In what safety protocol is a teacher going to leave any kid behind??
3. Why was everyone indestructible?
Nebraska tosses Nettles off a cliff down onto the Super Predator’s ship and then jumps 20 feet himself onto the ship with no injuries suffered… The emotionless Quinn gets his leg caught in a cable that is attached to a grate, he falls outta the sky with the advanced Predator technology cable and grate still attached to his leg falls through the trees, only to get hung up and suffer NO INJURIES. His leg would have ripped right off or at least dislocated… but Quinn lands, gets up and runs like nothing happened. I have NO IDEA HOW ALL THESE GUYS ARE SO INDESTRUCTIBLE. But it is not just the guys the biologist would have died MULTIPLE TIMES too… think of how easily disposed of characters were in Predator and Predator 2. But in The Predator they pretty much ALL LAST TO THE END. No f’n way!
4. Why was Jake Busey only in The Predator for five minutes?
Why even have Jake Busey in there at all if he was getting such a jobber’s send off??? All he did was say his name! His father in the storyline (Gary Busey as Keyes from Predator 2) was clearly onto something as a similar team is now seen wearing nearly matching “decontamination” suits and still just as bumbling of a team as the original Keyes’ team (and we’re supposed to believe these are “RESEARCH EXPERTS/SCIENTISTS” who are SO CONCERNED with their finds that they “protect” the recovered Predator weapons and helmet… behind GLASS displays which couldn’t be easier to break and access. What. The. Fuck???
5. What was with that stupid f’n War Machine suit at the end?
I’ll tell ya… obviously they were trying to create a Pacific Rim type universe or something lame along those lines. And the wooden, no personality lead that played Quinn (I thought it was Charlie Hunnam at first) was set to be the heroic face of new said universe???? When Charlie Hunnam 2.0 said “That’s my new suit” it infuriated me! I shook my head more while watching The Predator than I ever have with ANY film ever. What a fucking disaster!
Fortunately, 20th Century Fox has HALTED ALL FUTURE PRODUCTIONS of PREDATOR films because THIS ONE WAS SO TERRIBLE. Thank the Predator gods we will never see the WAR MACHINE SUIT!
Bonus Question: Was there anything I liked about this movie?
Thomas Jane and Michael Keegan Key were the only watchable parts of this shit… although it DID feel like a two hour Key & Jane sketch show.
