Bullet Points: Hatchet

As I live and breathe, the Hatchet series may be my absolute favorite slasher franchise to date. Take that in. Not Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, or Friday the 13th. Victor Crowley and his bloody hatchet and killer denim overalls have forced their way into my heart.

Synopsis: A group of tourists on a haunted swamp tour find themselves in the epicenter of horror as the killer Victor Crowley targets them for destruction.

• The Bayou Kills: Welcome to the swamplands around New Orleans. We meet a pair of gator hunters floating around in their tiny boat looking to make a big score. Like most of this movie, the sweetest parts are when the characters talk to each other in voices that sound realistic and not just scripted. Many of the people in the movie are actually funny in between all the killings and it only makes us want to see the devastation more.
• Old Friends: Green has called in as many favors as possible for Hatchet. Robert Englund, Tony Todd, and Kane Hodder are among the cast of this first film in the series. Englund and Todd’s roles are much smaller (but still impactful), but Hodder plays the wonderfully disfigured Victor Crowley.

• Swamp Stories: Our main characters are Ben and Marcus, played by Joel David Moore and Deon Richmond. They joined the tour after Ben’s deep sadness from his recent failed relationship caused him and his best friend to leave the Mardi Gras parties for the sanctuary of some touristy goodness. Sadly, they’re in the wrong place. They join the group consisting of some pornographers (thanks for the boobs), a delightful older couple, and a mysterious woman.
• Bring on the Gore: It isn’t long until the proverbial shit hits the fan and the group comes under attack from the fairytale monster named Victor Crowley. Everything becomes all too real when the members of the tour start getting chopped to pieces using various weapons. Crowley is every bit as ugly and angry as they say and they’re stuck right in his path. The death scenes are as graphic as you could be without just throwing pales of fake blood on someone. Limbs and heads are removed at will. You’ll probably either be laughing or jumping for joy as the character get their arms ripped off and their bodies slammed against any objects in sight.

• Marybeth and the Robot: Ben and the gorgeous Marybeth (Tamara Feldman) make a tiny connection during the chaos. Ben is played by the skinny robot dude from Grandma’s Boy….which might be the funniest movie I’ve ever seen. He seems out of place at first but quickly falls into the character and I forgot all about his relationship woes and just enjoyed the movie for what it was. Feldman did a fine job with the material she was given. Her family members had already come up missing and she was itching to find them. It makes sense and it gives her a reason for carrying a pistol!
• That Finale: Like any horror movie, the ending is almost as important as the devastation brought about by the killer. Hatchet’s ending has come under scrutiny by many but I thought it was fantastic. The movie is incredibly simple; a bunch of tourists end up in a bad area occupied by a sinister dude. We get a sad story about Crowley, similar to Jason Vorhees in the Friday series, but the main story of Hatchet is the absolute madness of the killings.

The Verdict: Writer/Director Adam Green has made a series of films that are destined to turn all slasher fans into, uh…bigger slasher fans?? Hatchet was exactly what I was looking for in a horror/slasher film. It’s not really scary, but there are a few jump scares. It has plenty of comedy, boobs, and unbelievably gory deaths that you’re sure to enjoy the hell out of it. If you’re looking for a movie with some amazing kills this Halloween, Hatchet just might be the trick and the treat for you.